Recess top 5

5. Supreme eyeliner. The newest Bench nominee/junkyard pit bull/Texas sweetheart Harriet Miers sports the gothest eyeliner since Marilyn Manson. If the Court gig falls through, she can always hawk eyeliner as the newest Covergirl.

4. Your fall break is a Gothic wonderland. Skipping a return trip home for a Rolling Stones concert is always a good thing. And hey, there's always cramming for midterms- or drinking.

3. The lesser Simpson sings screechily. After a failed attempt to "LaLa" the last time she performed on laughfest Saturday Night Live, it's probably a sure thing that this Saturday on her return visit to the show, she won't jig half-heartedly or lip-synch. More's the pity.

2. Sapphic Next Model amor. Last night two of the aspiring models/future reality star hotties hooked up in a must-see moment steamier than any t.a.T.u. video, securing Top Model's title as America's hottest reality show. And it doesn't hurt that every week the nubile Nancies (or Naimas) are judged by the "smoking, sensual, witty and chiseled" Nigel Barker, as described by Chronicle editor Seyward Darby.

1. Tomkitten. The spawn of a certain dark master (Here's looking at you, L. Ron Hubbard) has descended upon the Earth in what's sure to be a certain Church's bid to take over the world. Here's to the future of the latest child celeb sure to outspook even rival and horror flick staple Dakota "Alien Eyes" Fanning.