Sandbox

OK, I have a confession to make: I no longer love the ‘80s. And it’s not VH1’s fault, promise.

Sure, I’ll keep a few mementos of our starcrossed love affair. I’ll always have a weakness for Ghostbusters, Jimmy Carter and The Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me.”

But besides the aforementioned ditty and a few others by Blondie, The Smiths and Talk Talk, I can’t do ’80s music anymore.

This isn’t about my distaste for insufferable “musicans” like Wham and Cyndi Lauper. No, it’s the pretentious ’80s wannabe music being produced by this generation that has truly put out my flashdance fire. This particular genre goes by several lofty, pretentious names including post-punk, neo-new wave and ’80s revivalism.

These gimmick-ridden “new ’80s” groups can be boiled down to an equally pretentious recipe: The band has got to be one-part British affectation, whether it’s a band consisting of devout Mormons from Nevada or not; two-parts obscure influence from two decades ago, whether it’s Tears for Fears (the Kaiser Chiefs), Gang of Four (Bloc Party) or The Missing Persons (the Sounds); and finally, one part cloyingly clever band name like Kasabian after Manson’s getaway driver or Franz Ferdinand after an assassinated Austrian archduke.

The latter group with its eargasmic jangly pop and snarky vocals pioneered the sound that has refused to grow.

Take, for example, “Grafitti,” a song from one of the genre’s latest up-and-comers Maximo Park. In their video, the band strums along rapidfire fast, garbed in their monochromatic suits while frontman Paul Smith smarmily blurts out, “I’ll do graffiti if you sing to me in French.”

And while the line may sound pretty, it honestly doesn’t say anything. The song, too, isn’t anything new or meaningful. I could think of ten different bands out there that could easily replicate its seal bark vocals and slammin’ guitar aplomb.