I have hated them with every breath, every step, every move, and every Tim McCarver butt-kissing comment. They are the scum between a caveman's toes. They even make me vomit sometimes.
They are in danger of missing the playoffs, but I cannot go against my gut.
In 2005, the Evil Empire, a.k.a. the New York Yankees, will stage a coup d'etat and reclaim the World Series throne for their 27th championship.
It's interesting that I should choose the Damn Yankees in a year when they are clearly not the favorite. The Boston Red Sox have finally thrown the 500-pound, 86-year-old gorilla off their backs. The St. Louis Cardinals are firing on all cylinders in the less competitive National League.
But the team I least want to face-the team that scares the living daylight out of even Stephen King (a fanatical Red Sox fan)-is those freakin' Yankees. Why do I think the Yankees are so good when they might not make the postseason for the first time since 1993?
Because Manager Joe Torre's lineup is deeper than the Red Sea (when it hasn't been parted by a dude named Moses). They've got Jeter, A-Rod, Giambi, Sheffield, Matsui, Posada, Cano, Bernie and it seems like everyone else who can lift a 30-ounce piece of lumber. Forget Murderers Row and the Bronx Bombers. These guys have nuclear capabilities.
They've also got that thing they had back when they were collecting more rings than a billionaire's wife shopping on the Ponte Vecchio. It's called chemistry. They brought back one of the key components in Tino Martinez. Bernie Williams is playing in his 15th and likely final season as a Yankee. A-Rod is approaching "Real Yankee Status," as he approaches the 50-homer mark this season. Jason Giambi's statistics indicate that the new juice tastes even better than the old concoction, as he leads the league in on-base percentage. Gary Sheffield, his pre-Subway, Jared Fogle-sized ego notwithstanding, is baseball's best hitter over the last 13 years this side of Barry Bonds's pre-Subway, Jared Fogle-sized noggin. And Derek Jeter will forever intimidate opponents with that obnoxious grin.
But what about the pitching, you ask. It's true, George Steinbrenner's ball club has picked up every piece of right-handed garbage off the waiver wire this year. But are you going to tell me that a front three of Randy Johnson, Mike Mussina and a healthy Jaret Wright-three pitchers with Michael Jordanesque-playoff performances on their resumes-is not good enough? And do you also think the Mercedes Benz CL 55 AMG is not good enough because it's a 2001 model? Please.
And then there's the one Yankee who even Yankee-haters can only admire, the magnificent Mariano Rivera. Reading his career playoff stats is more staggering than watching a George W. Bush sound-bite reel: in 70 games, an 8-1 record, 0.75 ERA, 32 saves, 85 strikeouts and only 14 walks. His three playoff miscues-against the Indians in '97, the Diamondbacks in '01 and the Red Sox in '04-are the equivalent of three birthmarks on Beyonce's left calf.
If you still think I have no idea what I'm talking about, just remember you probably said the same thing when I predicted the Red Sox to take it all one year ago.
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