Contribute to senior gift fund

Let us suppose, just for a moment, that Duke is a five-star restaurant, comparable in reputation and quality to the University we now attend. During our tenure we have chosen our course depending on our preferences. Some chose the cheeseburger, others the filet mignon and still others never made it past the bar. Four years at this classy joint have given us hilarious memories, superlative educations, and unequalled opportunities as well as a daunting $140,000 tab.

It’s April, the waiter is gathering our checks and we’re all whipping out our wallets, praying that the residue of cash from before spring break will cover our bill. Now the dilemma arises: that annoying line under ‘subtotal’, the one that says ‘tip’. Duke charged us 140K, and now they have the audacity to ask us for a 0.00014% tip??? Outrageous! What do they want, blood from a stone? My last nickel?

Sure, you never heard “Hi, my name is Duke, and I’ll be your server today”, but the comparison is still apt. Simply put, just how the bill at a restaurant doesn’t cover all the living expenses of a waiter, the tuition cost for Duke does not cover all the costs of the University. Some services not covered in tuition include: higher acceptances to graduate and professional school; extensive alumni networks; and even some good old romps in the gardens or stacks. These services are open to any duke student, free of charge, and so, giving a small 0.00014% gratuity does not seem unreasonable.

Only the most dastardly and cold-hearted would have the impudence to stiff a server. Yet when it comes time for contribution to the senior gift, we all want to do just that, somehow rationalizing it by claiming poverty, disapproval of appropriation or dissatisfaction with the price of the bill. But these kinds of excuses simply don’t cut it. Actually, $20.05 is a small gratuity to pay in order to express gratitude for the many things Duke has given us already and will give to us in the future. Please don’t stiff your waiter. —The Management

Gabriel Morgan

Outreach Co-Chair, Senior Gift Committee