Director Andy Tennant has done it again. The mastermind behind Sweet Home Alabama and Fools Rush In has managed to eclipse even his previous stunning achievements in pointless, mind-numbing romantic comedy. The real villain this time around, though, is first-time screenwriter Kevin Bisch, whose stale script will choke even the most die-hard cheese fans with day-old cheddar.
There are a few bright spots. Will Smith, stars as Alex “Hitch” Hitchens, a professional “date consultant” rescuing earnest average Joes from their own bumbling, romantic ineptitude. The Fresh Prince is typically charming and almost believable as the ultimate advisor for painfully tactless simpletons trying to woo disproportionately attractive women. As the expert on how to play it cool and win the girl of your dreams, Smith reminds us how charismatic he can be. Unfortunately, no one can salvage a line like, “Wow. That's crazy! Just hearing your voice makes me smile.” More brilliant screenwriting from Mr. Bisch.
Sultry Eva Mendes is mildly appealing as Sara Melas, the workaholic gossip columnist who steals Alex’s secretly fragile heart. Watching the smooth-talking Smith stutter in the face of a worthy adversary provides a few welcome (if predictable) laughs, but the initial attraction quickly wears off. Indepedently, Alex and Sara are entertaining, but when brought together their dialogue falls flat and viewers’ hopes for chemistry diminish with each dull interaction.
Meanwhile, Alex takes on Albert Brenneman, The King of Queens’ Kevin James, as his most ambitious project to date in an equally painful romantic subplot. James’ cholesterol-infused physical comedy garners a few cheap laughs (take note of his choreography the next time you get a chance to get down to “Yeah!”), and watching him melt for the stunning Allegra Cole (Amber Valletta) is kind of cute, in a pathetic sort of way. As in his TV role, James is fun to root for, but pairing him up with an infinitely more attractive woman is so awkward and implausible that watching their romance heat up is ultimately more visually disturbing than endearing.
Even in a genre that’s built around clichés, Hitch manages to come off as trite. Blame Bisch's script for shooting the movie in the foot and for reducing Smith's honest effort to sheer agony. Hitch may not be “the cure for the common man,” as the slogan suggests, but it will fill an empty trash can.
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