In this heated season of nominating conventions, something is in the air besides balloons and BS. Groups of delegates are clad in red, white and blue outfits and wearing signs bearing such politically incisive messages as “Arizona is Bush Country,” “I’m from South Kerrylina” and “New Hampshire is full of stupid inbreds.” But nominating conventions are not all handshakes, platforms, and meandering stories from the Kerry daughters. There is a lot that goes on behind the scenes, and RECESS recently got its dirty little hands on the rejected list of speeches from both of this summer’s conventions. Here it goes:
• “John Kerry is the right man for this countrAAAAAARGH!!!” by Howard Dean
• “Ethnic diversity in the Republican Party” by Kwame O’Reilly Birnbaum Running Horse Nakomoto
• “Remember back when those cars would explode on impact, and I... No? Never mind then” by Ralph Nader
• “Who on earth let my husband have those terrible pills?” by a haggard-looking Elizabeth Dole
• “You have pretty eyes, audience. What are you doing later?” by Bill Clinton
• “Just kidding about all that other stuff” by James McGreevey
• “What California needed was a killer robot from the future, and what America needs is... George W. Bush” by Arnold Schwarzenegger
• “I almost danced for joy when they asked me to give this speech, but then I remembered I was forbidden to by my religion” by John Ashcroft
• “Vietnam? That’s not important” by John Kerry
• “September 11th? That was, like, 6 years ago” by George W. Bush
— Jon Schnaars
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