I learned in PPS 55 that we shouldn’t vote because the probability of our vote changing the outcome is slim to none. But just in case you missed that class, or you believe in democracy, I’m gonna give us all a little run down of the upcoming presidential election.
For those of you who have either been living in Southgate or Edens for the past year and therefore have been too far away from the real world to grab a newspaper, we pretty much have two choices (unless you vote for that seatbelt guy): Either Democrat John “I’m hip; I used to be in a rock band in high school” Kerry or our incumbent, George W. “Talk about nepotism, my dad was president too” Bush.
I could talk about their platforms, what they stand for or what their decisions as president would be, but CNN already beat me to that. Instead, I picked out these few categories that I think best illustrate the “political deathmatch” for the presidency:
Size: When we all played basketball in third grade on the playground, we learned just how important size was in picking team captains.
People picked their teams according to tallest, biggest and strongest. So I think we should all pick a president who could not only order the air strike of Saddam Hussein’s palace but could also probably take him in a street fight. (Say Bush is standing in line at ’Dillo and Saddam accidentally bumps into him, spilling his con queso and Bush says something about his mother and it all gets blown out of proportion…. You know, in that situation).
Kerry stacks up at 6-foot-4 and is probably pretty fit to beat Tony Blair in a foot race, given all his extracurricular skiing.
Bush, on the other hand, is kinda small and probably wouldn’t be able to take Shav on in a dunk contest.
Symbol: Donkey versus Elephant. Now, personally, I don’t think either of those two animals are really that impressive. They couldn’t have picked a cougar or a shark or a killer robot? Were these already taken by the Reform parties? Because those animals would definitely win my vote.
With the donkey and elephant, it’s like a choice of lesser evils. I guess an elephant is huge and gray, therefore pretty convincing, but a donkey is one of those, “work hard, play hard” type of animals. After a long day plowing, donkeys like to relax, chill at Parizade, maybe pick up a few asses. Donkeys are pretty suave.
Colors: We all know how Republicans put up red signs and Democrats blue. But if you dig down, you see that colors are actually pretty important. Did you ever like the yellow power ranger? No! Because she was yellow. Can you really beat a three headed paper-mache dragon wearing yellow?
So pit blue against red and what do you get. Blue is the color of the sky or heaven; red is the color of blood or hell. Blue is the color of water; red is fire. I’m pretty sure in a fight, water beats fire. Duke Blue, Maryland Red.
Get it?
The point is: Many students are apathetic about voting. I think it’s pretty much because, well, you’re dumb. And that’s okay, lots of dumb people get into college. The rest of us are here to inform you. Your vote actually does count. Ignore the percentages and probabilities of affecting the outcome. If you don’t vote, you can’t complain, and if you can’t complain, what’s the point of living in America?
If you don’t care at all about politics or platforms, vote according to what you hold important.
If you want a president who can be strong in times of war, pick the guy who will be.
If you want a guy with fiscal responsibility that will turn this economy around, vote for him. If you think it’s important for a president to have good taste in music, make sure to write-in “Jack from Alspaugh” because his iTunes library is awesome.
Either way, use your vote up, you only get one every nine or 10 years. (See Munger? I was listening in Public Policy).
Inform yourself. Tomorrow at 2 p.m. is a “Duke For Kerry” Rally on the Quad. Support it or not, come and see for yourself.
Yoni Riemer is a Trinity sophomore.
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