Thongs. Once reserved for ladies and that creepy male stripper at your sister's bachelorette party , the most infamous name in underwear has found a new butt to cover (or leave uncovered, as the case may be).
Slowly but surely, the man-thong is creeping into top drawers everywhere and adding a decidedly uncomfortable complication to the age-old boxer-brief decision.
Rather than waiting until every other self-respecting male on campus assailed his netherquarters with a crack-full of these stylish skivvies, I decided to go first, making a trip to a local department store. Apparently, it was "every old couple in Durham browse aimlessly in the men's underwear section" day at Hecht's. Needless to say, I got some funny looks as I rubbed the man-thong between my fingers, curious to see how everything would be "breathing."
The real experience came when I put it on. Friends, that little strap of fabric boldly went where no jockeys have ever gone before--at least not since the cartoon Superman on my Fruit of the Looms succumbed to the Wedgie Heard 'Round the World way back in 1986. And it was every bit as ugly.
All day I wore this cruel torture device, and all day I walked like a bow-legged bronco rider or a guy trying to carry a corncob without using his hands. I bent over in the Great Hall and exposed an unfortunate and potentially vomit-inducing "double cheek peak." When girls do it, it's kind of sexy. When I did it, not so much.
All the insanity got me wondering: What utility can be found in the man-thong? Eliminating panty-lines? I don't wear panties. Are boxer or brief lines that problematic? Brother, your pants should never be that tight in the first place.
Ultimately, the man-thong is a dangerous contraption that has no business in Paul Bun-yan's valley. Boycott the banana hammock in the name of all that is comfortable and non-chafing.
Sisqo is rolling over in his musical grave.
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