Britney Spears--"Touch of My Hand" (In The Zone)
Asian electro-pop swirls around Brit's sexed-up vocals and a subject already covered by tired musicians like The Divinyls. Her response to Justin's "Cry Me A River": 'I'm busy... with my hand!' Skanky Line: I love myself / it's not a sin.
Busta Rhymes--"Light Your Ass On Fire" (Neptunes Present... Clones)
The Neptunes beat diddles its way bump-bump-bump-style over this homage to the rump. One of the best singles of last year--and J.Lo's gluteus is never referenced. Take that Jewel, you inept pop Eskimo. SL: I know you probably need a tablecloth to cover yo' ass.
Electric Six--"I'm The Bomb" (Fire)
By including enough suggestive howls and lyrics to fill any '70s club, this group has returned to a kinder, gentler age--that of disco rock. With horrendous vocals and oh-so-catchy rhythm, it doesn't get any better than their videos (think: Lincoln beards and Brite-Lite privates). SL: I'm a bomb and I'm ready to go off in your sh-t.
Eminem--"Drips" (Eminem Show)
This track epitomizes everything wrong with Eminem: the shock-value themes, the sardonic mood and the gratuitous details. Rapping about adultery, domestic violence and, yes, STDs, he's not real, he's just sensationalistic. SL: You've been stickin' your f--kin' d-ck in a hearse.
Fannypack--"Cameltoe" (So Stylistic)
The booty-beat has sprung on this track as it skips and skids along a tight bassline. Electro-breakdance is back with this tirade against the female wedgie. SL: Is your crotch hungry, girl? / 'Cause it's eating your pants.
Goldfrapp--"Strict Machine" (Black Cherry)
Lesson #1: Turn off vibrating washers when Alison Goldfrapp visits. Lesson #2: Trippy hooks from the '80s are still bananas. Robot love never sounded so good. SL: I get high on a buzz, then a rush, when I'm plugged in you.
Kelis--"In Public" (Tasty)
Singing alongside Nas and Shakespearean allusions, Kelis offers outdoor milkshakes for the taking. Remember, don't come a-knockin' when that orange afro be a-rockin'. SL: We can do it over there by all the trees.
Liz Phair--"H.W.C." (Liz Phair)
The self-anointed "Blowjob Queen" is back with a pop sensibility. An ode to a certain bodily fluid, the song reads like a Cosmo tipsheet. SL: Without you, I'm just another Dorian Gray... so hot / so sweet / so whet my appetite.
Ludacris--"P-poppin'" (Chicken 'N Beer)
If it's not obvious already, Luda really likes his strippers--on a handstand. The single might as well come with a stripper pole as it slinks into pure libertinedom. And the video is the perfect seedy counterpart. SL: Your heart'll melt if I put a thousand in your garter belt.
Miss Kittin--"Frank Sinatra 2001" (On The Road)
Eurotrashed Kittin seems to be learning English--profanity first, of course--as she verbally quips and assaults. Hints of celebrity critique, celebrity indulgence and necrophilia lie underneath the catchy electroshock. SL: Motherf--kers are so nice / suck my d-ck / lick my ass.
Missy Elliott--"Toyz" (This is Not a Test!)
A female-empowerment anthem about sexual freedom and, you know, sex toys, Missy turns the power on this track as pulses and vibrations straight from the '80s return like a freakin' tidal wave. SL: I keep my Butterfly close when you don't want to be bothered.
Trina--"B R Right" (Diamond Princess)
This Luda-assisted duet-of-sorts sports Trina's visceral bark like a gleaming midget medallion. With rowdy sex-talk over the crunkest violin-driven beat ever, this could be her masterpiece. SL: I want my ass smacked / legs wide / front back / side-to-side.
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