Kids read the darndest things
Reading may be fundamental, but savagely making fun of completely benevolent children's books is just plain fun. On Monday the American Library Association announced its 2004 Newberry and Caldecott Medal winners for excellence in writing and illustrating; today, Recess tarnishes the memory of everyone who cared enough to read to us as children by parodying titles in numerous disgusting ways. We apologize in advance:
Winner: The Tale of Despereaux: Being the Story of a Mouse, a Princess, Some Soup and a Spool of Thread.
Loser: The Tale of a Desperate Ho: Being the Story of a Motel, a Perv, Some Sex and a Sack of Quarters.
Winner: The Man Who Walked Between the Towers.
Loser: The Man Who Touched Me Beneath my Towel.
Honor Book: Ella Sarah Gets Dressed, a book whose illustrations' "cheerful, bold colors outlined in white emphasize Ella Sarah's freedom and confidence."
Dishonor Book: Ella Sarah Gets Undressed, a book whose illustrations did very similar things yet garnered a starkly dissimilar reaction from the literary community.
Honor Book: What Do You Do with a Tail Like This?, "an innovative guessing book that delivers a fun and playful science lesson on 30 animals' body parts."
Dishonor Book: What Would You Do for Some Tail Like This?, a book that eliminates children's guess-work by delivering a tasteless anatomy lesson on 30 often hidden body parts.
Lifetime Achievement Award: Ursula K. Le Guin, famous for books such as The Left Hand of Darkness.
Lifetime Underachievement Award: Ralph D. Flugelfield, infamous for books such as My Left Hand and Darkness: Why the Nighttime is the Right Time.
--David Walters
Those pesky resolutions...
For most of us, the new year brings with it a new agenda. Out are the days of overeating, being lazy and not spending enough time with our good friends and family--this year, we're all going to the gym, eating right and making time for things that matter most. This year, we resolve to do better.
Right...
Sadly, New Year's Resolutions have a way of wearing off about as fast as your midnight champagne buzz. By the time you come to grasp what you've done, you're left with nothing but pounding in your head and ringing in your ears. In the spirit of mid-January cynicism, Recess presents our list of New Year's Resolutions we failed to keep:
*Spend less time chillin' at the Holidae Inn.
*Resist the gentle wooing of the Nation of Islam.
*Take off those god damn Ugg Boots.
*Learn not to smirk upon hearing the words "Dick Brodhead."
Stop fcking Paris Hilton.
*Divorce Nicolas Cage
*Avoid getting drunk and marrying your small town, past-his-prime childhood friend in Vegas.
*Give up addiction to Ephedra.
*Stop dating a sexy woman old enough to be our mother.
*Ignore flagrant homoeroticism in LOTR: Return of the King.
*Spend less time contemplating, "What's cooler than being cool?"
*Refuse to tell Rosie a lie, thereby avoiding cancer.
*End unhealthy interest in Jessica Simpson's music career.
*Replace horribly miscast Mikhail Baryshnikov as Carrie's final love.
--Dean Chapman
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