One of these days I want to plop down on the couch, turn on the television, unbuckle my pants (some of us prefer to watch TV semi-nude; is there a problem?) and tune into VH1's "Where are They Now?" But instead of featuring the lead singer of Bananarama or that guy who played badass Cobra-Kai martial artist Johnny in Karate Kid being featured, I'd like the entire episode to revolve around the network itself. They could call it "Where are They Now: the VH1 that Used to Suck Royally," because those days are long gone, and some of us are wondering how VH1 managed such a remarkable television turnaround.
Not too long ago, VH1 was the awkward and shy embarrassment of music television. MTV had a stranglehold on the industry, and even the Easy Listening audio channels were starting to give VH1 wedgies in the locker room. Kind of like that quiet cousin at your family reunions that your mother tells you will either become this century's most brilliant mind or shoot up a post office, the network direly needed a jumpstart to unlock the potential within--not to mention regain a viewer or two.
Fast forward. It's 3 a.m., you're in your dorm room and you have a Lit paper due in 6 hours, so of course you're watching television. A couple clicks take you to an old familiar network, and before you know it, you are seriously invested in saucy 23-year-old Mecca's dream of becoming a dancer in "Bootcamp: Showgirls." Get comfy because you're going to watch the whole thing. VH1 has finally got you, and with "Forty Greatest Celebrity Feuds" only seven hours away, you might need to clear your schedule for the entire day.
Now before anyone gets the wrong impression, I'm not saying that VH1 is masterpiece theater, and watching three hours per night is probably not a suitable substitute for attending your stats lab. J Lo's booty and Justin Timberlake's collection of Escalades aren't as important as mapping the human genome or curing cancer (although if J Lo's booty were ever found to have any cancer-curing properties, maybe say by touching it or thinking about it or perhaps praying to it, I'm sure most people would consider this as treatment). The fact remains, however, that VH1 is entertaining-sometimes very entertaining.
A simple question to gauge your (perhaps not yet realized) addiction to VH1's new programming lineup. How many times have you watched a decade's worth of "I Love the 80s"-from New Coke to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-before invoking your roommate to either kill you or cut the TV cord so you can finally look away? Why is this such an addiction? Because we love the freaking 80s, man! And that's one of the new formulas that VH1 has employed: make the viewer bark the phrase, "Dude, I totally remember that!" and watch the audience grow. And, of course, as your favorite shampoo suggests, lather, rinse and repeat with another tenth of a century in "I Love the 80s Strikes Back," or even "I Love the 70s" for a slightly older and more-hip-to-Raj-and-Rerun crowd.
VH1's grasp of the power of nostalgia becomes even more evident with "Bands Reunite," as well as the duo of "Supersecret TV Formulas!" and "Supersecret Movie Rules," two shows that diagram the age-old, trite constructions of television and film. Consider the Let's Start a Band' rule ("Saved by the Bell"; "The Brady Bunch") or theIf You Have Sex in a Horror Flick, You Are Going to Die' axiom. Do you remember the time Joey Lawrence accidentally shot Nell Carter in a "very special episode" of "Gimme a Break"? As a young child, this may have frightened you. Turns out, however, it was frickin' hilarious.
VH1 can also live in the now if you prefer a twenty-first century approach. Want to see how the rich and famous live? Try "The Fabulous Life of...." After five minutes of sampling Prince William's world, you'll want to be the bloody wanker. Wait until you see the Paris Hilton episode, an installment that proves that the hotel heiress is lovely both on the red carpet and in a dim green tint with freakishly glowing pupils. Want your reality fix with a rock legend? Tune into "Surviving Nugent." It's the Nuge, man! He just recently mangled his leg with a chainsaw while filming; the network called it an "accident," but any real fan of the Motorcity Maniac knows he did it on purpose because he's just that hardcore.
VH1 has gotten its act together in a big way. Humor, edginess and occasional social commentary have replaced back-to-back Celine Dion videos, and that's quite an improvement. I'm not suggesting Mo Rocca and Donal Logue are the new philosophes, but if it's entertaining, it ain't that bad. Some dreck is good dreck, after all.
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