What's good for America is good for George W. Bush.
In other words, history tells us that every military success, every uptick in the stock market, indeed every fleeting moment of happiness experienced by any one of us between now and November will contribute to the reelection of the president.
For about 50 percent of the country, that's not a problem. But the other half finds itself in something of a dilemma, to say the least.
Now, I'm sure all of my readers love America very much. But I also bet that some of you really, really hate George W. What to do?
In fact, you're probably asking, "Rob, how can I sabotage President Bush's reelection without being guilty of treason?" I'll tell you how.
Everyone knows that the 2004 election will be fought on two fronts. The first is Iraq, as Bush finds his continuing popularity tied to the success of the occupation. Unfortunately, there's not much even the most ardent Bush-hater can do to alter the outcome there without seriously risking life and limb.
That leaves the economy. No sitting president has ever lost during an economic recovery, and Bush seems to have timed his perfectly. "Economists predict biggest GDP growth since 1984" read a typical headline from around New Year's. That's bad news.
And it's infuriating, too. Have you ever considered how completely we're at the mercy of a nebulous, invisible entity, "The Economy," that goes up and down whenever a small cadre of "economists" tell it to? Or how convenient it is that it should appear to be going up just in time to save President Bush? I wouldn't blame you if you thought the whole thing was orchestrated by the Pentagon.
I say it's time to take the economy out of the hands of the economists and put it back where it belongs: in the hands of ordinary, liberal Americans. The only way to defeat Bush is to seriously deflate the numbers. And the only way to do that is--yes--to boycott the entire economy until November 2004.
Consider the potential impact of a well-organized omni-boycott. The U.S. median income was $42,409 in 2002; for a rough estimate, we can multiply by the nearly 54,000,000 individuals who voted against George Bush in 2000. That gives us a total of nearly $2.3 trillion subtracted from the economy this year, enough to derail the presidential aspirations of Jesus Christ himself.
At this point you might raise several objections. You might, for instance, quibble with "well-organized." Surely, you'd argue, there's no unifying figure charismatic enough to convince 54 million Americans to spend absolutely no money on anything for 10 months. But you'd be neglecting someone.
He's the only presidential candidate in memory with a legitimate cult following. Consider this testimonial from the Dec. 7 issue of the New York Times Magazine: "Clay Johnson got involved in the campaign after a young woman named Merrill told him she didn't love him anymore. Johnson stripped to his underwear, lay on the floor in a fetal position and remained there for days, occasionally sipping from an old carton of orange juice. Alarmed, Johnson's friends scratched their heads for a way to snap him out of it. Finally they hit on one: Howard Dean."
Dean translates the emotional dependence of acolytes like Johnson into an unprecedented control over their wallets. In early December, flush from contributions totaling over $40.4 million, Dean ordered his followers to donate instead to unknown Iowa congressman Leonard Boswell--who proceeded to rake in $51,000 in 48 hours. If Dean's next major policy address were entitled "Five Reasons You Should All
Immediately Dance for My Amusement"--you get the idea.
So imagine if Howard Dean went on national TV and said the following: "Friends, every single dollar you put into the economy is an indirect campaign contribution to George W. Bush. So as part of our effort to take back America, it's time to seriously tighten our belts. I'm asking you as a personal favor to grow your own food until further notice.
"You need to ask yourself which of your daily expenditures are really necessary. Do you really need to shower by yourself every day, when communal showers taken once monthly will save drastically on water and electricity bills? Are luxuries like toothpaste, laundry detergent and toilet paper really worth another four years of Republican dictatorship? I think not.
"If you feel absolutely compelled to spend money during the next 10 months, you'd be best advised to donate that money to me. Also, if you could find it in your hearts to quit your jobs in order to temporarily drive up the unemployment figures, that'd be super.
"And finally, in case of medical emergency, you're free to take advantage of the fine facilities just over the border in Canada or Mexico. Thank you, and God, or the deity of your choice, bless America."
And here you might raise another objection. Wouldn't that be a bit, well, obvious? Wouldn't Americans have a difficult time rallying behind a candidate who urged them to torpedo their own economy?
Perhaps, but consider these statistics. One in four Americans can't name their governor. One in two can't name their congressman. Half of young voters get their news from Leno and Letterman.
In other words: no one pays attention to politics.
Therefore, it is entirely feasible for Howard Dean to get one half of the country to boycott the economy while the other half remains preoccupied by the NFL playoffs. And that second half should remain mercifully oblivious until the Dow cracks 1000 in reverse and half of the Fortune 500 files for bankruptcy--just in time to blame President Bush. Beautiful.
Such, I believe, is the only conceivable scenario for victory in 2004. And on Nov. 3, a triumphant army of Deaniacs, unshaved, unwashed and unemployed, will take a well-deserved shower and prepare to save the nation from the economic catastrophe that, God willing, is swiftly approaching.
Rob Goodman is a Trinity junior. His column appears every third Wednesday.
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