Responding to Howard Dean's controversial comments about southerners, their pick-ups and the stars and bars, Georgia Senator Zell Miller stated, "Howard Dean knows about as much about the South as a hog knows about Sunday."
Miller knows about as much about the Democratic Party line as an elephant knows about Labor Day, yet still calls himself a Democrat. With this in mind, I am hopeful that some Northerner, Midwesterner or Westerner can someday gain trust and respect from southern voters.
Before those unwholesome politicians can accomplish such a feat they'll need to learn a bit more about Southern "Heritage," as I have come to know the southern heritage. In the tradition of Lynyrd Skynyrd, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and Drive By Truckers, I've composed an ode.
Though of lesser quality than "Sweet Home Alabama" and "The Southern Thing," I still feel it will do the trick in educating the likes of Howard Dean, who's probably listening to Neil Young's "Southern Man." Having been called a "Southern gentleman," despite my Illinois roots, I feel qualified for this task with an insider-outsider perspective. Just bare with my lyrical difficulties, it's the content that matters, not the outward likeability of the song.
"Oh the beloved South
Weather sweeter than pecan pie
A heritage richer than Sam Walton
Raise the flag and celebrate!
Startin at the Mason-Dixon
Endin north of Godless Cuba
Controlling national politics
We finally rose again
Nascar's really a sport
Still ain't forgiven the North
Cuttin taxes, underfunding schools
Don't tell me what to do
Don't stereotype me
I ain't like you Yanks
I love my country more
You can't win me over
Eatin Krispy Kremes
Eatin fried chicken
Eatin barbecue
Eatin fried anythin."
That's really just a rough draft of the ode. Don't be overly critical; again it's the content that matters. I cannot possibly capture the essence of the South in a couple stanzas. I hope though that this will someday help a politician from the somewhere else win over the hearts and minds of southerners.
My recent hit, "Maine," helped reunite George W. Bush with his stomping ground. He now understands the good people of our fifth most northerly state. He knows of their proud heritage as lobstermen, woodsmen and all around decent folk like most Americans are, not simply Mainiacs. Bush now knows that chowder is a regional favorite, much as I hope to convey southerners' fondness of fried everything.
Eventually, though, southerners will hopefully decide to identify fully as Americans, not simply as a region of America. After all, the South isn't even as old as New England. Northeasterners don't tout their heritage, nor do Midwesterners consistently proclaim themselves the greatest sodbusters ever.
It's been more than 140 years since the North spanked the South like a disobedient child. Southerners should no longer be stereotyped as racist backwards hicks, those folks inhabit every corner of the U.S. It's also time this whole "heritage" thing stop getting in the way of relationships with the rest of the country. Every region has its own priority, but not every region is stubborn like the South.
Zell Miller's belief that Democratic candidates only pander to the South for a couple of months while ignoring them before and after the election is a baseless comment--they pander in every state and region.
How quickly we forget that issues addressed by candidates, such as education, health care and defense affect the entire nation. Miller, however, might want separate policies for the South. He shouldn't stop there; he and his like-minded fellows should request their own embassies. Before they do that, we should remember that more binds us than divides us.
Kevin Ogorzalek is a Trinity senior. His column appears every other Tuesday.
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