Last week UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE got an urgent call on our red-line phone that connects us directly to Nan's office. An important p-frosh was coming to visit, and the freshman that was supposed to host him had backed out. We figured that in the worst case, we'd at least get some material for our column, so we cleared the empty beer cans off of the futon and made room for Gerald.
As eager as Gerald was for a glimpse of the traditional college experience, he seemed more eager for class, waking up at 7 a.m. for our 10:30 a.m. lecture. UNCLE EBENEZER tossed him a facebook to keep him entertained and told Gerald to wake him up at 10:25. UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE led Gerald across the quad, down the walkway, through the woods, around the construction, across the lava pit, over the rope net, and through the flaming rings until we ended up in the LSRC for our EGR 75 class. Gerald pointed out that Duke must be a fairly liberal institution if they were willing to name the lecture hall the "Gay Love family Auditorium." DJ RIDDLE shrugged his shoulders and said that it was fine by him, then mentioned that it was counterbalanced by the very conservative "Rich White Auditorium" on East Campus.
We could tell that Gerald was an English major-to-be when his eyes quickly glazed over staring at the numbers and equations on the board. To our surprise his eyes suddenly lit up when the professor mentioned trusses. Then we realized that "truss" was actually the answer to 17 Across. This kid was catching on fast.
After class Gerald asked us what his schedule might look like next year and UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE struggled as we tried to explain Curriculum 2000. "Basically," UNCLE EBENEZER began, "you have to take one of every type of class at Duke so that you get a well-rounded education. You know, like high-school."
"But the matrix doesn't end there," added DJ RIDDLE. "You have to fulfill the columns with different types of thinking as well. For example some classes fall under the category of 'Lots of reading that you don't do, but then you make stuff up for a final paper.' Other classes are considered 'Respond to readings on Blackboard after you read everyone else's response to get ideas.' The hardest one, from what I gather by listening to our Trinity friends, is finding a class that fulfills the requirement of 'Something that is useful in the real world.' Really, the C2K matrix is a lot like the movie Matrix Revolutions in the fact that it sucks hard and makes you want your money back."
Later that evening, as we followed the tight beats and the thumping bass, Gerald became quite excited about attending his first real frat party. Unfortunately for him, it was a Wednesday night and we were really just entering the Marketplace to give him a preview of what his freshman dining experience might be like. To our surprise Gerald's eyes lit up as we entered and he told us how excited he was that he could eat pizza and fries every night. DJ RIDDLE then asked Gerald his opinion of eating cardboard and fried cardboard every night. His attention was soon grabbed by the sushi being freshly rolled before his eyes, but as it turns out, the sushi was just leftover Blazing Sea Nuggets wrapped in rice. Gerald asked what exactly a Blazing Sea Nugget is, and DJ RIDDLE explained that it used to be a student comic that didn't have to steal jokes from Monday, Monday.
As we hopped on a bus to West Campus, Gerald told us how psyched he was about seeing a Duke basketball game. The bus ride was a bit rocky, however, as we were forced to switch drivers halfway through after the first one passed out from inhaling the body-paint fumes of overly eager freshmen. As we waited in line, Gerald inquired about the students wearing blue jackets and carrying clipboards. UNCLE EBENEZER explained that they were line monitors and that they're given front row seats in exchange for telling people to "scooch in" over the bullhorn. Gerald told us that he hoped to one day be knowledgeable enough about Duke basketball to become a line monitor. DJ RIDDLE quickly explained that basketball knowledge wasn't as much of a prerequisite as being friends with the head line monitor or being on DSG. When Gerald asked how DSG ever got anything accomplished if its members were always busy policing the basketball lines, UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE looked at each other in silence as the crickets chirped in the background.
As we headed back to our dorm Gerald told us he was very excited about seeing college night life. He was a little disappointed by the fact that UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE had homework to do, it being a Wednesday and all, but we gave him a warm Busch Light that we found under our couch and he was as happy as could be.
UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE would like to remind the kids who will be living in commons rooms next semester that we've already reserved it for Beirut every Saturday night.
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