UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE had a hard time choosing what to do on Halloween this year. We almost stayed at Duke for Devil's Eve because nothing reminds us of our childhood trick-or-treating more than an inflatable, sinking Titanic obstacle course. We considered going to Franklin Street, but the closest parking spot we could find was in the Blue Zone. Some of our friends tried to convince us to go to Shooters because, "dude, Thetas are there." But eventually we decided to accept the invitation we had received for a small Halloween get-together with all of the other Chronicle columnists.
The first person we ran into was Anthony Resnick, who was dressed up to look just like UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE. He told us that last week's Monday, Monday discussing possible replacements for Carl Franks was "quite inspirational." Then he told us that he was working on a great column for next week about what it would be like if all the Chronicle columnists had a get-together.
Then we ran into Yousuf Al-Bulushi, who was dressed as the Middle East, just like every week... err, year. Actually we're just assuming that he was dressed up as the Middle East, because we got bored before we could look over his entire column... err, costume. We started to make fun of him, but then he asked us why we keep talking about Wojo every week.
The clear costume winner, however, was Bridget Newman who surprisingly came dressed as the GOP Elephant. As we approached her she was writing something on a small notepad. When we asked what she was writing, she told us it was her list of things to boycott; she had started writing them down because she couldn't remember them all. DJ RIDDLE quickly pointed out that if she was an elephant she should have no trouble remembering. Then Bridget asked him how to spell DJ RIDDLE.
Soon, Whitney Beckett entered dressed as Jen Wlach, and only moments later Jen Wlach appeared dressed as Whitney Beckett. Then we forgot which was which, but it didn't really matter since they had no interest in talking to anyone without an upturned collar. UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE approached the two and suggested a double date to our upcoming barn party. We were naturally hoping that they would later ask us to one of their functions in return so as to maximize our "date function earning potential." We also figured that we could take that opportunity to ask them what the hell a "date function earning potential" actually is. Whitney said no because she was, of course, already going. UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE stared at the walls in silence for a minute before Jen told us no because she was, of course, already going.
Feeling a bit dejected, we wandered over to the keg where we ran into sports columnist Robert Samuel. Being the conscientious students that we are, we asked Robert to show us some ID before we would let him fill up his cup. As we checked his age, DJ RIDDLE and UNCLE EBENEZER were quite surprised to find out that his middle name actually is "the tank." As it turns out, when Rob was born his parents let his five-year-old brother choose his middle name. However, had a game of a rock, paper, scissors gone the other way, Robert's four-year-old sister would have had the naming honors, and we'd be reading our sports commentary from Robert "the pretty, pretty princess" Samuel.
Suddenly, a hush fell over the room and we turned to the door just in time to see Bill English and Nathan Carleton enter dressed as Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker. UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE had trouble understanding their choice of costumes until we overheard English giving Nathan some fatherly advice. "The key, my son, is to remember that liberals are everywhere and should be put on leashes; write about that and you will guarantee your name in Letters to the Editor for weeks. Remember, you are not truly a success until a hate-filled liberal tries to knock down your door. That's how legends are made. The kind of legends that are still mentioned by Monday, Monday after they graduate."
English was set to be the belle of the ball until the Blazing Sea Nuggets creators entered the room dressed as Jake and Hubert. Within seconds several of the Chronicle's 4,000 or so editors were pleading with them to return and save the "Diversions" page. Despite promises of book and movie deals, Bramley and Logan could not be swayed. Logan could, however, be pushed over quite easily, mainly due to the awkward size and shape of Jake's head.
With the return of so many Duke heroes, UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE were more than slightly disappointed that Nick Christie was not in attendance, but apparently there was a Halloween party at the gym.
UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE would have mentioned other columnists, but we don't read them.
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