Right now, Kiefer Sutherland is plotting to assassinate my Tuesday nights. I have been infected by a virus, and many of the people I know are in the same situation. My name is Tal Hirshberg, and episodes of 24 are the shortest hours of my life.
09:00:01, 09:00:02... In case you don't know, 24 is Fox's series about G-d, or as they refer to him, Jack Bauer. Premise is simple: 24 shows a season, each one hour of the same day. Bauer works for the Counter-Terrorist Unit, a made up agency that probably could find Bin Laden in about 3 hours and 24 minutes, and that's including commercials. The show is shot in real time, meaning that techinically, it is possible that everything that happens could happen in one day.
If you couldn't tell, I'm a bit obsessed. Kiefer Sutherland, who not so long ago was a vampire punk in the Lost Boys, has become the biggest pimp on television. I mean, he could pull more ass than the Bachelor, and he only works on a government salary. The man never dies. From terrorists kidnapping his family, to having his heart stopped by torturers, the man never fails to amaze. Honestly. Forget James Bond. It's Bauer. Jack Bauer.
Because simply stopping terrorists is a bit too easy, 24 has a cast of characters who add to the intrigue. There's Kim, Bauer's daughter who for some reason didn't get Jack's side of the gene pool. It takes a very interesting set of circumstances to kidnap a little girl, be charged with murder, almost be eaten by a mountain lion, get kidnapped yourself, be held hostage in a convenience store and Kill a man--all in a days work. Then there is Nina Myers, who takes the term "effortless perfection" to a whole new level. If you thought Duke girls hide what they know well, check out Nina. My least favorite of all is Tony Almeida, who somehow manages to be the last person in CTU to figure anything out. His biggest mistake? Questioning Jack's intuition. Oh no you didn't girlfriend! How he managed to become head of CTU still puzzles me.
The other side of 24 is President Palmer. David Palmer is, to best sum up, the Bizarro George W. Bush. It's like the exact opposite. You really believe the man deserves to be President. He's smart, logical and another in a long line of great Georgetown centers (check the website). He used big words, and pronounces them as well. My hope is that if Palmer doesn't get re-elected in the upcoming 24 election, he gets to serve two terms in the real White House. Unfortunately, Helen Keller could have picked a better Cabinet. Instead of Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice, he has Cabinet members who knowingly let a nuclear device enter Los Angeles. Not to mention his wife, Cheryl, who is one of those characters you hate so much you would spit on the actress who played them if given the chance.
Enter Jack Bauer. Jack has saved Palmer's life about 11-and-a-half times, and at this point the President wouldn't blink if someone walked through his office door claiming Bauer walked on water. Then again, neither would I.
So what's up today? This season seems simple enough. All Jack has to do is stop a bag of cocaine cut with death from getting around L.A. I guess it's a good thing no one in Hollywood does coke. The man who is responsible for the threat? A South American drug lord with whom Jack spent the past year undercover, and eventually brought down. As a result, and to make the day that much more fun, Jack has a heroin problem.
I know what you're thinking. Jack gets to shoot bad guys and heroin at the same time! But as my friend Senator Jachman explained to me, Jack couldn't possibly shoot up. He'd be high for a while, and who could save the world all lit up? Not that a blazed Jack Bauer wouldn't be fun. However, there is a city in danger, and that comes first. So instead we get Junky Jack, fiending for a fix while fixing fiends (I couldn't help it).
Meanwhile, his new partner is Justin Timberlake. Not such a bad thing, especially if he follows Jack's lead. Imagine a Jack Bauer who could sing and dance? He would rule the world. J.T. currently dates Kim, who now works at the CTU. As a platinum blonde computer programmer, I'm betting she somehow sets CTU headquarters on fire. And in other news, President Palmer has Jungle Fever (if Spike can name his movie that, I can use it in my article. I hope.)
So that's 24. Watch it, love it and obsess about it. Rent the episodes, and when in doubt, trust Jack... 09:59:59, 10:00:00.
Tal Hirshberg is a Trinity senior. His column appears every other Thursday.
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