UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE were a bit shocked last week when Athletic Director Joe Alleva announced that Carl Franks had been fired from his position as head coach of the Duke football team. While Alleva cited Wake Forest's 42-0 first half routing of the Blue Devils as "the straw that broke the camel's back," we found it hard to believe that coach Franks was at fault for this particular loss. We figure that most of the players were simply tuckered out after waiting in line all day and staying awake well past midnight Friday in order to welcome the official beginning of the season that Duke students look forward to more than any other: ACES book-bagging.
We arrived at the Yoh Football Center just as defensive coordinator Ted Roof was introduced as Duke football's interim head coach. DJ RIDDLE earned a slap from UNCLE EBENEZER for "raising the roof" and singing, "the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire." So did Nan. At any rate, we were eager to hear about the new direction for Duke football so we leaned forward in our chairs as the man spoke his first words as an NCAA head football coach: "I think that you need to get to know Duke. There are certain ins and outs at Duke that are unique, some situations that are unique to the Duke situation and you've got to get to know Duke." With such a poetic command of the English language, we could only imagine what his halftime speeches will be like. Perhaps he just let his five-year-old twin sons T.D. and Mic write his speech for him. So, just to get a head start on things, UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE took the initiative to begin finding candidates for next year's head football coach:
Nan Keohane: The first option was obvious, considering the importance of knowing the Duke situation, and considering that next year our beloved Nannerl will be out of a job. What she may lack in football knowledge, she certainly makes up for with her strong will, tireless work ethic, and above all, her unmatched fundraising skills. By the opening game of next season, the Yoh Football Center would be engulfed by the Wally-Wade Dome, the Armadillo Blimp would be providing aerial footage and Aerosmith would be headlining the halftime show. UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE are confident that Nan could hold her own at a press conference as well. As members of the press bombard her with questions such as, "How is the team coming together? Are the quarterbacks learning the plays? What are the prospects of getting an ACC win?" etc., she would silence the reporters a few weeks later with a quick, but formal, report: "Partially, No, Ongoing, Ongoing, No, Ongoing, Yes, No."
Coach K: We quickly realized that Duke would need someone more in tune with the situations that are unique to the Duke situation. We're guessing that Coach K would be happy to trade in his whistle for a headset, provided he could bring Wojo along to follow him up and down the sideline tending to the slack in the cord. Reggie Love would likely be off the team for an unspecified violation of team rules, but Andy Borman would be a shoo-in for the empty slot. We doubt that an opposing team would hit a field goal all season long thanks to the Speedo Guy's antics at Wallace Wade Outdoor Stadium, though he might be--ahem--less intimidating during those cold autumn games in November. Students would turn out in droves to see Crazy Towel Guy flanked by Crazy Thunder Stick Guy, Crazy #1 Foam Hand Guy and Crazy Elongated Plastic Horn Guy. With the students coming together as the twelfth man, the team would certainly come together as a metaphorical eleven fingered fist. And with Coach K at the helm, there would be no quarterback controversy; Greg Paulus would be the starter from the beginning.
Larry Moneta: Given Coach K's other position here at Duke, UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE realized that we would need someone who would not be missed at their current job. Coach Moneta would not be afraid to come in and shake things up; pretty soon all sophomores would start and positions like quarterback and wide receiver would be reserved for independents. Established players like Ryan Fowler and Alex Wade would be inexplicably moved from their positions to make way for players who wanted to link with high school teammates.
They might have to institute a lottery, however, to decide who gets to quit the team. UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE are confident that with L-Mo leading the team, Duke Football would soon create the same buzz around campus that the 21 Night Stand did.
If all else fails we can just get DSG President Matt Slovik since he clearly isn't doing anything else. Inevitably, though, we would then have to bring in Anthony Vitarelli as Offensive Coordinator if we wanted anything to get done.
UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE would like to thank Coach K for not naming any of his daughters F.G., STL, or BLK.
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