A long, long time ago (about say, 20 years) a tale occurred so remarkable that people still speak of it to this day. It has been passed down ever since from class to class. Since then, legend has become myth, myth has become a shadow and a shadow has become... I don't know what, but here's how the story goes as far as I heard it.
Once a baby was left at the door steps of the Chapel and was adopted by an administrator at the University. Unfortunately, because this baby wasn't, uh, "easy on the eyes," the administrator (probably a member of Terry Sanford's gang, I really don't know) was forced to lock him inside the tower of Chapel where the boy had to ring the church bells every day. The boy was soon named after his homeland so everyone would know where he was from--Quasiduko.
Time passed. King Sanford was replaced by King Brodie, who was consequently replaced by Queen Nan in a bloodless coup, although none of them had any power and were all puppets to the true master of the Gothic Wonderland, Cardinal Krzyzewski. Soon, Quasiduko had to go off to college, being 18 at the time. He naturally was enrolled to Duke because his "daddy" worked for the school (it really didn't matter that Quasiduko was unqualified to attend Duke, his dad was boss and he got in no matter how stupid he was, but that's another story). Finally, Quasiduko was going to step out of the tower and would finally get to be a real boy.
Freshman year was rough on Quasiduko. His roommate was a prep school student from California who had a preference for wine and coffee from Sri Lanka. He drove a Bentley and wore the finest shirts from Paris. It was very much a culture shock for Quasiduko, who still thought he looked sharp in Umbros. Quasiduko tried rushing a frat freshman year but all the brothers laughed at his hunchback and odd looking teeth. He didn't get in anywhere, and since he lived in Southgate, was forced to link to Edens.
Quasiduko could only now find comfort in the only home he knew, the top of the Chapel. He would go there to study and slowly cry himself to sleep while he watched all of his attractive normal looking peers live their lives of luxury and academic excellence.
Quasiduko figured he was better off going to N.C. State, where there were more hunchback people like him. Why did he decide to go to Duke and leave his sanctuary in the Chapel? He didn't fit in. There was no way he would ever belong in the homogeneous culture that was Duke. He tried wearing sandals and pink Polo shirts with the collared popped, but it just didn't feel natural (for one thing, its hard to keep a collar popped when you're a hunchback).
Quasiduko didn't have that much success with the ladies either. Most girls found Quasiduko nerdish and clumsy (did I forget to mention Quasiduko was a BME major in Pratt)? There was one girl, however, who thought his hunchback was rather fetching, but she was from Romania and didn't really know any better. Quaiduko's roommate however hooked up with a different girl during every weekend, and sexiled Quasiduko to his neighbor's futon on a regular basis. Further, there was no point in trying to get girls anyways. The Ministry of Student Affairs had closed all frat parties to non-members so lonely independents like him had no where to go. He was an outcast in its purest form.
Quasiduko also tried tenting, but he was so hideous and his hunch so ugly it made Dick Vitale vomit when ever he came to Cameron (which was basically every game). ESPN and Nike eventually said Quasiduko could not be seen on television and shouldn't be allowed in the student section. So ESPN threatened Athletic Director Joe Alleva who consequently threatened DSG who consequently forced the line monitors to give Quasiduko's tent many missed tent checks. His tent was forced to the back of the line on a regular basis. This pissed off Quasiduko's tent partners (who never liked Quasiduko to begin with). They expelled Quasiduko from the tent and replaced him with a much more attractive female.
Realizing there was no diversity at Duke, that there was no place for him, that the social scene forced students to adhere to a stereotype that just wasn't him, that everyone around him were carpetbagging, preppy, intolerant snobs who came to Durham for four years to get a degree and then go off to become CEOs in New York, Quasiduko decided he would never be happy in life and resorted to the most extreme of actions. He transferred to the University of Hawaii where he sips Mai-Tais on the beach and watches the sunset every day. And he lived happily ever after.
The End
Note: This wasn't just a story. As shocking as it sounds, there are Quasidukos all around you. They sit in the corner of the Great Hall eating alone. They sit next to you in class. They like independent films and discuss philosophy. You won't find them at every party in section on Friday and you won't see them playing golf at the Wa Duke. Get to know them.
Jonathan Pattillo is a Trinity sophomore. His column usually appears every third Thursday.
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.