Yes that's right, it was UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE who seized/took/stole/snatched/lifted/thieved/robbed/heisted/caused to be missing/filched/appropriated/pilfered/pinched/purloined/fleeced/pocketed/nabbed/ripped off/grabbed/looted/poached/shanghaid/burgled/rustled/nicked/pillaged/annexed the $2 beef patty from the Vivarium break room last week. But you'll never pin it on us because surely we can convince a jury that we have never heard of the Vivarium.
To be honest, we thought it was rather kind of us to only steal the patty, leaving a delicious bun and toppings behind. We were thusly shocked when the beef-less employee called the cops on us. UNCLE EBENEZER wonders how long it took the responding officers to make a "where's the beef" joke, though it was probably funnier than DJ RIDDLE whispering "all your beef are belong to us" as we snuck out of the break room. We just hope that if Police Captain Ed Sarvis does catch us he won't call our parents. That $2 beef patty may prevent us from ever getting legitimate jobs after graduation.
The recent rash of lunchtime looting almost cost Coach Krzyzewski a commitment from basketball recruit Greg Paulus. Apparently Notre Dame has the lowest beef patty thievery rate in the country, though we're pretty sure the figures get skewed by all those Fridays during Lent. Coach K quickly responded by promising to install thumbprint-activated mini-fridges in the Cameron locker room. The football team is expected to follow suit, but only after every other team in the ACC does so first.
Speaking of recruiting, UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE were very impressed with the way Sigma Nu turned their public apology for last year's hazing incident into a recruitment letter. Unfortunately for them, the only events Sigma Nu will be holding this fall are Devil's Delivery Service Shareholder meetings.
Freshmen, you will get plenty of chances this semester to get to know the brothers of Sigma Nu. Try and tip them more than just a buck if you want to get a bid come spring semester. The Sigma Nus have also been using their free time to think of new ways to capitalize on Duke students' laziness, introducing a Groceries on Points program where you can order online and have it delivered to your dorm room.
UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE plan to waste food points with reckless abandon just to see Sigma Nu brothers pushing shopping carts full of O'Douls, Tampax, Depends and Trojan Slims. We're pretty sure they'll be using the self-checkout line too.
UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE were thrilled last week when Dean Todd Adams invited us to help rework the Annual Review. Our first suggestion of making it a Centennial Review was quickly rejected, but we soon got down to business.
It was suggested that having all groups, regardless of their personal focus, evaluated by the same 7 categories is ridiculous. We suggested that each group pick their favorite category and only fulfill that one. That way Roundtable wouldn't have to bother with Social Programming, KAs could skip out on Community Service and the Language Dorm could quit worrying about Citizenship.
UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE proposed that perhaps Educational Programming is Duke's one and only true responsibility to the students, and perhaps it should be the students rating the administration in this category.
If, for example, Duke drops a spot in the next U.S. News and World Report rankings, Provost Peter Lange would lose her rights to an office on West Campus, be forced to take residence in a dump off of East, and be forced to change his name to Optimus Prime. If we only outrank half the Ivies, Coach K and Carl Franks would not be allowed to use Duke's name in recruiting (though that might be an advantage for ol' Carl).
And if we are ever even mentioned in the "Top Party Schools" list, the living room in Larry Moneta's home would be locked shut for the remainder of the semester.
UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE think that we can simplify the Community Service requirement and solve the Durham panhandling problem at the same time. The Annual Review currently does not allow financial donations to toward the Community Service requirement.
We suggest changing the category name to Philanthropy so that Duke students could just drive to Ninth Street in their BMWs, throw some money on the sidewalk, and be done with it. That way we could help the Duke community without having to come in contact with it, just like other normal socially-conscious rich people.
UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE wonder if moving your car for a football game counts as Community Service on the Annual Review.
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