UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE Salute the Real Duke Heroes

As UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE cracked open ice cold Bud Light last night, we began to think of the radio commercials that made us buy the beer in the first place. Though we certainly appreciate Anheuser-Busch saluting Mr. Bowling Shoe Giver Outer and Mr. Footlong Hotdog Inventor, we couldn't help but think about all the heroes that were overlooked in the ad campaign, the Real Duke Heroes. Pretty soon UNCLE EBENEZER was talking in his announcer voice (and DJ RIDDLE was singing high-pitched background vocals)... 

Bud Light presents Real Duke Heroes 

(Real Duke Heroes) 

Today we salute you, Mr. Duke Parking Employee 

(Huntin' rhinos in the blue zone) 

Protecting our beloved Chapel parking spaces from all but the most severely handicapped, you reprimand bewildered drivers the way a real man should: with a whistle. 

(How do you get that on over the safari hat?)  

Accepting no excuses, you follow the Duke Parking Rules to the letter. Except for basketball players. 

(Duhon's parkin' in the Chapel) 

So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Supplier of the Citation, because maybe next year they'll finally let you work on commission. 

(Mr. Safari Hat Wearin' Parking guy) 

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Next, we salute you, Mr. Vending Machine 'The Pak' Refiller. 

(Mr. Vending Machine 'The Pak' Refiller) 

You make unexpected late night hook-ups possible by putting prophylactics right where we need them most... next to the Funions. 

(Snack for me, snack for her) 

I may be spending valuable food points, but I'll eat Ramen Noodles any day of the week in order to avoid a raging case of herpes. 

(Ouch, my pee burns) 

I know I can count on you to make sure that each time I press E6, I'm both protected and lubricated. 

(You're my boy Blue!) 

So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Protector of the Privates, because the real LifeSavers in that vending machine don't come in a rainbow of five fruity flavors. 

(Mr. Vending Machine 'The Pak' Refiller 

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Next we salute you, Mr. Back Duke or Back Off Football Banner guys 

(Mr. Back Duke or Back Off Football Banner guys) 

While other men put undo stress on their vocal cords, you only need a bed sheet and a can of spray paint to say "we've got spirit, yes we do, we've got spirit, how 'bout you?" 

(We've got more, we've got more...) 

Although from a distance your other sign appears to read "We 'R' Huke," we don't dare tell you, for fear that we'd be forced to back off. 

(H - U - K - E who the #*%& you come to see?) 

Thanks to you, Duke Football is the "Tradition of Traditions"... and the tradition of mullet-men with spray-painted bed sheets. 

(Holy crap we've got a winning record) 

So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Backer of the Ballers, because if it wasn't for you, Wally Wade would be a lot less spirited... and a whole lot less confrontational. 

(Mr. Back Duke or Back Off Football Banner guys) 

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Finally, we salute you, Mr. Rolly C. Miller guy 

(It's that Rolly guy from the Chronicle) 

Your name appears below the crossword and nowhere else. Ever. 

(We heard you were an old dude) 

We have no idea who you are, or more importantly, what exactly you do. 

(But we know way too much about your boobies)  

But you have tried--and failed--to make us laugh at one-liners every day since freshman year. 

(We'll build the damn deck for you) 

So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh... um... um... whatever it is you are, because without you, each day's Chronicle would be one line shorter. 

(Mr. Rolly C. Miller guy) 

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UNCLE EBENEZER wishes that DJ RIDDLE would quit saying everything in his high-pitched singing voice. His professors do too.