Last Saturday, UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE went on a ride-along with the Duke Police. Our day went a little something like this....
9:15 a.m.: Officer Morrison knocked on our door just as we finished watching Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol. Walking to the cruiser, Officer Morrison turned to DJ RIDDLE and asked, "You guys haven't seen a beef patty laying around, have you?" Things became a little awkward when UNCLE EBENEZER shouted out, "I've never heard of the Vivarium!"
Fortunately, Officer Morrison was distracted by the $100 parking ticket wedged under his windshield wiper. He stuffed it in the glove compartment with the others and we headed out on patrol.
9:30 a.m.: We cruised over to the Washington Duke Inn to patrol the parking lot for sketchy looking characters. Officer Morrison pulled his gun and threatened some kung-fu action on a guy who appeared to be stealing Coach K's Lamborghini, but it turned out to be just the valet kid. And by valet kid, we mean Wojo. We quickly apologized and turned to see Nan hitting some balls on the driving range. We gave her a wave and proceeded to blare the siren during all of her backswings. For some reason, we were the only ones who were laughing.
11 a.m.: Much to our relief, Officer Morrison turned down the COPS theme song that he'd had on repeat for the last 20 minutes in order to hear the urgent call from the central dispatcher. "We've got a situation unfolding near East Campus, a student's car was broken into and the following items were reported missing: three Boston and Cream CDs, four textbooks written by E. Clair, a long John...Denver tape, and a bumper sticker reading 'French: Crueler than you think.' You might want to powder for fingerprints... three times." UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE were quite confused at first, but the code was cracked when the dispatcher came back on the radio and named the primary suspect as "Vanilla Frosted Coffee Roll."
12 p.m.: We arrived back at the station, donuts in hand, and were surprised to see about eight officers crowded around a television in Chief Birkhead's office. He waited on his donut because he was on the final mission of Grand Theft Auto III and was about to blow up a police tank with a bazooka. As he noticed UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE, Chief Birkhead muttered something about the game being part of their training regimen before descending into a diatribe against Nan for not buying him a tank for crowd control at the Ludacris concert.
1:30 p.m.: Officer Morrison pawned us off on one of the rookies, Officer Russell, because he had to go perform lifeguard duty at Nan's money bin. Unfortunately, Officer Russell was about to go out on a bike patrol of West Campus. UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE were disappointed that their Duke Police "ride-along" had suddenly become a "run-alongside."
2 p.m.: Before we got too tired, Officer Russell locked up his bike behind the Bryan Center and we patrolled the campus on foot. He explained that his normal rounds include the hitting main quad to check out girls sunbathing but avoiding Edens because it is just too far away.
4 p.m.: We walked back to the police station after returning to the bike rack and discovering that Officer Russell's rear tire had been stolen. As punishment, Officer Russell was ordered to round up all the cinder blocks around campus in response to the "Cinder Block Suspected in Shattering" story that broke in Wednesday's Chronicle. The prime suspect was providing extra under-the-bed storage space in Edens 2C.
7 p.m.: After calling for backup from every single police officer in the Triangle, we headed to Wally Wade to watch the football game against Florida State. Officer Morrison explained that they deploy 300 police officers to each game to ensure the safety of the crowd during the end of first quarter exodus. Officer Morrison also brought his son Luke to the game to help him learn his 7's times-table up to 56.
11 p.m.: With sirens blaring, we sped over to East Campus to respond to a noise complaint on Buchanan. Skidding into the driveway, Officer Morrison handed UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE bulletproof vests. "I've had a lot of buddies go down on noise complaints. We better wait for backup," he said. After three more units arrived, the officers arranged themselves in the SWAT formation and advanced on the house. Breaking down the door, the officers found themselves in the midst of 35 middle aged adults watching a Powerpoint presentation on declining property values. Searching in vain for a Solo cup or wounded soldier, Officer Morrison found only a stack of Trinity-Park Homeowners Association monthly newsletters. Hoping to save face, the officers promptly cited the house's two residents for "Disturbing the general peace due to having a lot of people inside quietly pondering the financial state of the neighborhood."
11:35 p.m.: UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE were in for a little more excitement as Officer Morrison turned on his siren and pulled over a white minivan on Campus Drive. Unsure of what law the driver had broken, we followed Officer Morrison to the driver's side window.
It all made sense when the driver removed his safari hat and handed over his license and registration. Officer Morrison slapped him with a citation for "Disturbing the general peace and quietude by giving me a parking ticket this morning." Fine: $100.
UNCLE EBENEZER and DJ RIDDLE won't feel safe until the proper cinder block is brought to justice.
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