This Saturday, East Campus was flooded with my favorite kind of people--homosexuals.
It was the 19th North Carolina Pride, and just like last year, Duke was the lucky host of this festive bunch. There was a parade along Broad and Ninth Streets, with floats full of cheerful individuals. But where were you?
Drag queens, fags in all possible skin colors, gorgeous femmes, powerful butches and bull dykes were everywhere, but no Duke students in sight. I am delighted that our alma mater realizes how much fun these gay people are. As the gay community's biggest straight fan, I thought I was in heaven.
Granted, it was not as extravagant and massive as Amsterdam Pride I attended in August. With another straight guy I plunged into the debauchery around 3 p.m., and at midnight found myself in the train that took us back to my house. The time that passed was a total daze dancing with gorgeous people of the most diverse sexual orientations. Still, for a small Southern town, North Carolina Pride was mightily impressive, and I wish more Duke students would have been there. You wonder what is so special about these homosexuals? You wonder why I enjoy their company so much?
From a very young age I have always interacted with the gay community. I have two mothers--a lesbian couple that has molded me into the person I am today. Yet, it was not until I met some of my current friends that I realized gay people are not just equal to, but actually better than most of us. Just look at them.
I wish gay men were women--I would totally date them. Straight guys, just imagine the following: they are clean, are incredible in bed, do not mind casual sex (in fact, some are rumored to prefer it) and are better dressed than most sorority wenches.
Too bad they don't have breasts and a vagina.
Those of you familiar with the show "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" have seen the marvelous effects a gay make-over can have on straight lives. My flawless sense of fashion is generally perceived as European. The truth is that even at home people suspect me of sodomy. It is a style carefully nurtured by advice from my gay friends. And girls love it.
Let me give you an example. Because of gentle persuasion from my best friend, who is as gay as Archie Bunker is straight, I got my bellybutton pierced last Thanksgiving break. The reactions I receive from all the hot women I meet are overwhelmingly positive. They just want to jump my bones.
Do I need to say more to convince you? Fags are our friends! Luckily for those of you who missed out on the fun on Saturday, this whole week is Coming Out Week. It is the annual event that makes the campus conservatives blush, and makes the rest of us feel slightly better about being at Duke.
You will see gay men and gay women march around campus, lick each other in public and have lots of fun. And the best thing is that you do not have to be gay to join in!
But there is no need to limit your interaction with your new friends to this week. Any given Thursday, Friday or Saturday several gay clubs in Raleigh welcome anyone willing to share the fun.
I have been to Legends, the most prominent gay club in the Triangle, several times. And just like I expected, it was more fun than George's. The music was amazing, the people were more interesting than your average Duke crowd, and on top of that men just kept buying me free drinks! That must be what it feels like to be a Tri-Delt at Cafe Parizade.
It is time one of our frats gets their act together and throws a theme party. As a tentative title I propose "Greek-Style." At the door, a drag queen will enforce a ragingly arbitrary door policy. Pink triangular invitations will be handed out beforehand.
George Michael and Madonna will blast from the speakers. Rooms will be transformed into public parks, dark rooms and chat paradises. Glory holes will dot the commons room and rainbow flags will fly in full glory.
And just imagine what the bathrooms can serve as. Manhattans and strawberry daiquiris should replace the ever-present Bud Light. This would be a chance for the entire Duke community to pull out their feather boas and mascara--gay galore!
Some critical minds out there might be wondering how they are going to meet homosexuals--there seem to be so few around here. That is simply not true! Out of every 10 guys you meet, chances are that one is authentically gay. And that is just fabulous.
Joost Bosland is a Trinity sophomore. His column appears every third week
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.