Uncle Ebenezer and DJ Riddle get another free t-shirt

Eight unlucky freshmen got me, UNCLE EBENEZER as a FAC. When I found out that this involved waking up before noon I passed the torch on to DJ RIDDLE.

Dear Future Wealthy Donor,

You may wonder why you are receiving this letter. Let me tell you. My name is DJ RIDDLE, and I am your First-Year Advisory Counselor. Duke has appointed me to help you and seven other equally stupid (but hopefully hot) freshmen make the transition to life at Duke. It should look pretty sweet on my resume, plus I get a funky free t-shirt.

It's perfectly normal to be feeling a bit apprehensive right now. You're heading to a new place to live with a random person in a room smaller than North Carolina can legally give to prison inmates. You're leaving your loser high school friends and wealthy family behind for the enchanted city of Durham. Don't feel bad about leaving your friends behind, instead take solace in the fact that they're at state schools (where all they do is drink lots of cheap beer and watch sports), while you're at Duke...doing...much better things. So hopefully you'll feel a little more comfortable after reading this letter.

Let me tell you a bit about myself. First off, I'm in a frat. It's awesome. I am from New Jersey, and I am a pre-med econ major with a minor in bio. I got into Duke because I am special, just like everybody else. Did I mention I'm in a frat? It's awesome.

What will I do to help you? I'll start by giving you a campus tour. On the tour, I'll point out all the notable spots on campus: where the basketball players live, Pauly Dogs, the Chapel, the place where I booted last Easter, the office where you go to drop Math 32, the best gate arms to break off, and many other campus hot spots. After that I'll probably ditch you for my friends.

A few tips before you start your college career:

Call your roommate ahead of time. This way you can be sure to find out of s/he has any undesirable traits and can alot sufficient amounts of time to preparing yourself accordingly. Also you can plan who will bring the fridge. I would advise pretending to be poor. This way you can guilt trip your roommate into buying all the appliances. Take some time before you call to think of cute icebreaker jokes. For example, DJ RIDDLE asked his Turkish roommate if he went home for Thanksgiving. Poor guy didn't get the joke though. Maybe because it was 4 a.m. his time when I called.

Think of a cool nickname for yourself. You'll be meeting lots of people, so you want them to remember you. If you're on the cross country team, a name like "Speedy" might work well. If you're thinking about joining a fraternity, just tell people your last name and be sure to always wear your hat backwards.

Some tips for the first few weeks of school:

Casually mention your SAT score in every conversation. You'd be surprised how much people care.

Remember, it is best not to let anyone know you're a freshman. Disguise this fact by traveling in large groups whenever possible.

Some things you might want to bring with you:

High School letter jacket. Other students are very interested in your high school accomplishments. After all, very few played any varsity sport and will be very impressed if you tell them repeatedly how you were a state champion and could have played in college.

Caffeine pills. 9:10 sounds like a late start for morning classes, but it's quite a bit harder to get out of bed in the morning when you've been drinking 12 nights in a row. Don't worry though, unless you are in Pratt you will soon have a schedule with no morning classes and Fridays off. For the afternoon classes when you are awake pick up a Chronicle for the crossword. Don't be thrown off by the summer issue, the Chronicle is not normally that big and Mike Corey does not usually type up his interviews with Coach K while drunk and getting drunker.

One dollar bills. You'll need them for the 4 D's: Delivery Drivers and Dockside Dolls. Have I told you about DDS yet? My frat runs it. We're pretty awesome.

BMW and accompanying attitude problem. Parking is a real hassle, but you should avoid the bus at all costs.

If you know any current Duke students, they may tell you that your FAC won't try to hook up with you or give you alcohol, but will disappear after the first week. Let me dispute these claims by saying that only the third one is true. I'll hook you up with all the free booze you want, then put the moves on you. Assuming it doesn't work (it likely won't), you'll never hear from me again.

Also, they require me to have you ask your parents to give to the annual fund. So if you could just do that, that'd be greeeaaat. Thanks, your loving FAC.

We're out like Michael J. Fox in Jenga.

Uncle Ebenezer and DJ RIDDLE's column appears every Monday. You can count on it.