A couple things to make you say HMMM

Yes yes yaaaallllll. It's that time again. I trust you all have enjoyed your first few days back, and in some instances, your first few days. Freshman, by now you've experienced orientation, been to a few classes, and thrown down several Cantina burritos. But there is still a lot to learn, my friends.

No, this is not another one of those pieces where the author feels he or she must reach out to the freshman class by sharing the secrets to enjoying college. I won't waste your time with feel good one-liners that seem like they came straight out of a poor man's "Wear Sunscreen" song. Well, maybe just one: No matter what a senior tells you, there is no sex in the Gothic Reading Room!

Here are just a few things to make you say HMMM:
Holidays. At Duke, Holiday's are a conspiracy by THE MAN to hold us down. They simply don't exist. With the exception of Martin Luther King Day, the only things we celebrate are three pointers and the new addition to DDS. No Labor Day, no Columbus Day, not even President's Day. The rest of the country celebrates George Washington's birthday, our nation's first President, but apparently Duke University does not. In high school, we got President's WEEK. Now we can't even get a three-day weekend.

And get this: The University was built by Duke Family money, hence the name Duke University. And, quick, what was the name of the patriarch of that family? You got it. WASHINGTON Duke.

Campus Police: Over the past few years, I think I have finally figured out the Duke University Police Department. I've seen countless students disciplined for some sort of drug infraction, most often marijuana use or possession. Punishments range from temporary leave to expulsion.

To this day, however, there is yet to be an arrest concerning any of the sexual assault cases of the past few years. In one of the cases, a sketch of the perpetrator was plastered on the front of The Chronicle. The kid is most likely a Duke student, and still walking around campus. The lesson to be learned? Victimless crimes don't pay, but if you make it so that all bathrooms must now be locked, and scare the bejeeeeezus out of females on campus, then you're all good. Physical violence is okay, but if you feel like smoking a joint to chill after a week of classes, just remember your Duke experience may be at risk. Unless of course, you're an athlete. (Do I really need to name names?)

The Honor Code: What a joke. Listen, I'm all for academic integrity and what not, but if your going to do it, do it all the way. First off, the idea of signing an honor code seriously bothers me. Honor is all about respect.

If you expect me to follow your Honor Code, I expect you take my word. The honor code should not be a contract. I especially find it discomforting that some professors feel the need to remind you of the Honor Code by having you sign it before each exam.

Next, asking me to turn in someone who I suspect is cheating is not honorable. It's called being a rat.

Finally, the punishment for our "Honor Code" is nowhere near enough to make it work. The risk of being caught plagiarizing a paper is two semesters off, and one of them includes summer session. It is as if the University is saying, "Cheating is one of the worst things you can do, but if you do cheat, we'll be glad to cash your tuition check next year."

Take the ultimate form of an honor code--La Cosa Nostra. You don't see Tony Soprano asking Paulie Walnuts to sign a written agreement, do you? And you all know what happened to Big Pussy. Schools like University of Virginia do it right. They treat their honor code seriously. You cheat, your done. KAPUT. No second chance. However, they respect their students, as exams are taken whenever a student wants.

It's up to each individual student to understand the repercussions of his or her actions, and decide on their own.

Greek Life: It has become very fashionable to many people on this Campus to crack on members of fraternities and sororities. Like clockwork, you will find snide comments about Greek Life in this newspaper every week. If you read The Chronicle, we all apparently wear J. Crew and Abercrombie, listen to Dave Mathews, and Drive SUV's. Don't believe the hype.

Seriously, you don't see the members of fraternities get up in The Chronicle and trash independents. I don't understand this obsession by those not in fraternities or sororities to hate on those that are. And the thing is, for all intensive purposes, Duke has no Greek life anymore. Find a new dead horse to beat.

How can you sit there and say that fraternities and/or sororities are exclusive when the only thing being accomplished by Greek bashing is division. Seems like flawed logic to me. It's my senior year at Duke, and I don't have any desire to hear about how my friends and I are a bunch of meathead alcoholics who break stuff and then go around telling people about it. Can't we all just get along?

Like I said, a few things to ponder over these first few weeks. I'm off to go break stuff and go around telling people about it.

Tal Hirshberg is a Trinity senior. His column appears every other week.