COMMENTARY: Love's war, and only one of you can survive

It had been a particularly slutty month for Sidney. That is how these things usually happen - one does not go to war without some impetus. Sidney's was a mile-long string of progressives followed by progressing up her shirt.

She had had absolutely no intention of hooking up that night (though in all fairness it was her bidnight where mis-steps, by law, go into a big black hole fondly called "blackout"). But in the midst of having an amazing time being play-pretend hazed - where sisters said things like "DRINK, you know, if you want to, but you don't have to" -- she ran into him, Mr. Face, who could turn blah into marvelous and marvelous into heart-wrenching.

That night, unfortunately was the latter. In fact, Sidney still blames Mr. Face for the months of fall out to follow.

A few consolatory tears and drinks later, she saw Caleb, who had been telling her how beautiful and fabulous and irresistible she was for months. All this she knew, of course, but she had been avoiding letting him down. He wasn't her type. Too short with hair distributed quite unjustly.

But that night he was fabulous because he needed her. And she needed to bae needed.

The United States, meet Vietnam.

They formed their treaty on the dance floor through a shaking of tongues. She could have walked away then, but she couldn't handle another random hookup recorded in the history books. If you hook up multiple times, at least it is not ran-dom, Sidney thought.

So they hooked up again. The United States was sending in its troops. And again. More troops.

So Sidney began to like Caleb, sending in tanks to support her troops. As their relationship became more prolonged, she convinced herself she really liked him - sending in fighter planes to protect the tanks.

And then, in the ultimate act of commitment to the war, Sid sent the most important weapon of all over: her V-card. For girls, the V-card is the ultimate commitment to Vietnam, the ultimate sign that you have committed yourself to the endeavor and will stop at nothing to protect your investments.

But then one day something devastating happened. Something Sidney would never have predicted: Vietnam kicked her out.

They were sitting in the middle of a party discussing this with Sidney balling hysterically, because that's normal. "WHAT?!?" she shrieked. Quite frankly, she did not understand.

She was the best thing that ever happened to Vietnam. She was the US of A, goddammit - who was Vietnam to kick out the best country in the whole bloody universe? He was a third world country that's who he was. A hairy, balding third world country, she thought.

But that didn't mean she wasn't hurt, not to mention bitter. With all the investment she had put into Vietnam, she wasn't ready to go that easy. For a while she tried to placate him, cater to his demands, but he just started to slowly kill her troops - her feelings - one by one until she was forced to cut her losses and leave. It had been a masacre.

But now, in true Vietnam fashion, when people ask the grand USA about Vietnam, she gets embarrassed. He was clearly a terrible black spot on her dating history that she didn't like to talk about and hoped only to learn from it.

"He wasn't that cute," said Daisy, who was a year younger than Sidney and thus had not witnessed Vietnam and Sid's inner protests at the time to know that of course Sidney realized Caleb wasn't cute. Sidney explained.

"Ooooooh," Daisy hummed. "Yes, I think I have had a Vietnam too."

"What powerful nation hasn't?" Sid asked, her blond eyebrows shooting up to her forehead. Botox, she thought, then refocused on Daisy.

Unfortunately for Daisy, hers had lasted even longer and the pullout had been even more of a PR disaster. Once again, hers occurred freshman year -- a country's infancy when she does not feel the repurcussions of committing troops abroad. Freshmen have the added burden of worrying what the UN (sororities, powerful in name and significant to belong to, but wielding little actual power) would think.

After hooking up with Devon, Daisy received a lecture from her friend Camilla, whose older sister belonged to the UN, warning her that she would look slutty if she randomly hooked up. I'll just do it repeatedly then, she thought to her-self. He's not too bad. Making the issue more complicated, Devon was the first guy Daisy had ever hooked up with who didn't worship her, so he was a challenge, a nation to conquest.

Months of investing troops and tanks and planes won the war until, like a smart little most-powerful-country in the world, Daisy realized she was way too developed for Vietnam. She doesn't like to talk about it now.

Lili is in the middle of her own Vietnam, though of course you never realize that while you are still fighting. Never having had a commitment of more than a couple of months, Lili had an unwritten policy of withdrawing troops too early when things go messy, and seemed intent on ending that reputation.

"So are you staying together next year when he is abroad?" Sid asked of Lili's current relationship, as she, Daisy and Lili reclined in pedicure chairs. Sidney personally knew about a half dozen guys obsessed with Lili and was convinced they would appreciate her more - or at least convince Lili's current boyfriend that he had to fight to keep her.

"Well, if we stay together, it will be almost a year, and I've never had a boyfriend that long before," Lili said.

Sid and Daisy's usually happy tanned blond faces slipped into frowns as though they were mirrors. Lili was justifying future actions not by feelings towards her boyfriend but by the relationship itself. Vietnam, they mouthed together.

"Leave while you can," said Daisy, newly learned in the ways of the world. "If he's not Vietnam, he'll realize that the U.S. needs help from her allies in her commitments. If he is, well, you'll feel lucky you got out when you did."

Whitney Beckett is a Trinity senior and regular Chronicle columnist.