Oh, what a long, strange... cliché I'm going to write, so I'll spare you. But at Recess this year, we've learned oh-so-much, and we figured that we'd impart some of that knowledge upon you tonight. No really, it's okay, you're welcome.
Best advice from a drag queen: Assessing David Walters' attempt at cross-dressing, Ho Chi Men remarked, "Honey, CoverGirl does NOT cover boy!"
Best line that actually made it into the Valentine's Day sex survey: "Duke is all about oral - particularly greek girls."
Best line that got cut out of the survey at 4:32 a.m. by Dave "Iron Fist" Ingram: In response to the question of "Which administrator would you sleep with?" one anonymous student said, "Larry Moneta, because after two years of his f--king us in the ass, it'd be nice to switch it around."
Worst headlines: "Spielberg, Cruise Pull Dick off Well," for Minority Report, a Philip K. Dick adaptation; "In Fact, Not a Small Bowl," for Big Bowl Asian Kitchen at Southpoint; "Dreamcatcher Is a Joke, a Very Bad Joke."
Best part of Perkins (masturbation nooks excluded): The display case that proudly boasts the cover of a recent issue of the 'Cess. However, they must have overlooked the fact that the image is of an elderly campus administrator and the relating text reads, "Cute Old Men and Other Things To Do Before Graduating."
Song that most influenced our life paths after repeated office listenings: TG4's "Virginity." The line that really hit our prudish little hearts: "I can't imagine what it feels like/ My friends say it's alright/ But then they go and do it all night/ But I prefer the married life." Amen.
Our involvement with screeching dicks: Macy Parker's interview with Jesse Crossen, vibrator architect.
Our involvement with a dick named Screech: Greg Veis' botched interview with Dustin Diamond.
Best justification for buying a battery-powered vibrator: "Because you aren't tied to a wall jack or worried about electrocution," Crossen explained.
Campus employee we're most impressed with: Electrician Jimmie Banks, whose original art was on display at the Mary Lou Williams Center. He's the nicest guy you'll ever meet, too.
Most genuinely earnest calendar entry: "Aaron Carter, quite possibly the most enigmatic and talented artist of this or any generation, is taking the Alltel Pavilion stage tonight.... Vastly more talented than his Backstreet Boy brother, Aaron is, in a word, magnificent."
Most per capita clichés in any publication in the world - ever: Soap opera superstar Bailey Chase, Trinity '95, offered up this gem to Dave Ingram when asked about his character's role: "Chris acts before he thinks, and in a lot of ways that's admirable. He wears his heart on his sleeve, and that runs him into trouble with the powers that be. He lets the chips fall where they may."
Best/worst case for bemoaning the state of Duke's social scene: Julia Wyatt Love's, Trinity '83, reminiscing about a Parents' Weekend Grateful Dead concert - "Deadheads were coming up to Gucci-clad mothers saying 'Got any acid,' and the gardens were crazy because people were dropping acid and dancing."
What (perversity) you have to look forward to next year: David Walters spent an entire evening convincing Dave Ingram to allow "Will He Wonk Her in the Chocolate Factory," a title he came up with all by himself, into the staff box for our favorite porno movies.
Sweet tidings....
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