FILM: Don't Read This!

Splat.

Was that your brain hitting the sidewalk? Maybe it's the sound of electro-magnetically-deprived birds destroying the most populated centers of the earth in some contrived, plasmonic crapshoot of northern light ionic s--t?

Or maybe it was the space shuttle crashing in South Central L.A.

So yeah, the like government did something to funk the center of the Earth, but we don't care about that cause it was, like, in our best defense interests. Seriously.

So The Core is like just another crap movie?

Absolutely not - The Core attempts to show the world the picturesque beauty of an American Utopia. Why? Simple. Americans are the ones who always have to save the world - and that's because Europe and the rest of the West just happened to be destroyed by rogue lightning storms, solar radiation and confused birds. Oh, that and because money and extremely hot 20-year-old space shuttle pilots and well-dressed academics can fix anything.

Yeah, and then the French character gets to die first, 'cause he's real French.

Thank god The Core provided me with such a useful, patriotic account of what it means to be an American.