If you're in Durham come late April, you better be heading down to Durham Bulls Athletic Park. Once he completes the Devil Rays' extended spring training program in St. Petersburg, Fla., the man, the myth, the legend himself-John Rocker-will arrive in Durham as a full-fledged member of the Bulls. He's sure to be around for a limited time only, so be sure to stop by and catch him before the Devil Rays come calling.
And when you do, feel free to come join me. I'll be right around Section 116, near the front, conveniently positioned directly in front of the bullpen where Rocker and the other Bulls relievers warm up.
I can't wait for the chance to sit there, mere feet from Rocker's ears, and remind him for the next three hours about why I hate him. I'm going to tell him that he's a terrible person. I'm going to tell him that he doesn't deserve a chance at resurrecting his career. I'm going to ask him whether he thinks its any coincidence that his ERA during his most recent stint with the Texas Rangers was 6.66. And, rest assured, I'm going to do in a manner that's neither "abusive" nor "obscene," lest I violated the DBAP's fan conduct policy.
But then again, it's not like Rocker doesn't deserve every single ounce of abuse that he does receive. Lest anyone forget, this is the man who in 1999 told Sports Illustrated that he would never want to play in New York City.
"I would retire first," Rocker said. "It's the most hectic, nerve-racking city. Imagine having to take the [Number] 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're [riding through] Beirut next to some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing."
I bet it is depressing, John. I bet it is. Probably almost as depressing as watching your career go straight down the toilet without so much as a courtesy flush. That's what happened to Rocker once the Braves sent him to Cleveland. Pitching for the Indians and then the Rangers, his ERA more than doubled. Meanwhile, Rocker picked up only five saves, while subsequently blowing six opportunities.
But now, after spending the offseason without a team, the Devil Rays are giving the 28-year-old another shot. Off to Durham, they said, to hone your skills.
So welcome, John. A big fat hello. Here's hoping that you find the city-and especially its renowned restaurants-to your 225-pound body's liking. Of course, you should probably stay away from places like International Delights, Torero's and Bread and Kabob. Those establishments may not, well, suit you best. After all, those who weren't lucky enough to be born in one of the 50 states aren't worth your time.
"I'm not a very big fan of foreigners," Rocker told Sports Illustrated. "You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking English. Asians and Koreans and Vietnamese and Indians and Russians and Spanish people and everything up there. How the hell did they get in this country?"
That's okay, though, John, because they're probably not exactly big fans of you. For that matter, neither am I, and neither is anyone else who finds your words to be just a tad bit out of line.
Which, presumably, consists of the vast majority of Bulls fans. So go ahead, write out your posters, warm up your vocal chords and ask for seats near the Durham bullpen.
Just make sure that you're neither abusive nor obscene. Those qualities are reserved for Rocker alone.
Evan Davis is a Trinity senior and senior associate sports editor.
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