Column: Monologue for a p-frosh

Welcome to Duke. I guess I should say that first. It's friendly, and it will temporarily hide the fact that I don't know what to tell you. See, I have a nasty habit called honesty. Usually honesty is a good thing, but sometimes it gets in the way. Like now, when you're looking at me with shining eyes and asking, "So how do you like it here?"

Think fast. Deadpan: I'd like it a lot better if I didn't have two papers, a poster, two problem sets, my senior thesis and this Chronicle column all due between now and the end of classes. It's also Holy Week for Christians, so since I sing in the Chapel Choir... What's that? Stop hyperventilating; it's not becoming. Sure, I can talk about the choir. They've been like a second family to me. And half of them are "grown-ups," so unlike most Duke students, I actually see members of the outside world at least twice a week.

Yes, the social environment at Duke can be very insular. They don't call it the Gothic Wonderland for nothing. There I go again being honest. Maybe I'll ask you a question instead: Do you have a major yet?

Pre-med: You and a small army of freshmen who don't know what they want to do with their lives. That's all right. Duke has a lot of great departments, and you'll have plenty of opportunities to explore them. Unless you're a science type, in which case Curriculum 2000 will have you in a hurt lock if you dare to deviate from your matrix. C2K doesn't affect me because I matriculated in 1999. But yes, I'm a science major. Physics. No, that doesn't mean I'm a genius. It means I like playing with cool toys and having lovable nuts for professors. Plus, I enjoyed watching your expression shift from a pleasant faux-interest to an adorable deer-in-the-headlights gawk when you heard the word "physics."

Student life. Well, the campus social scene has changed dramatically since I was a freshman. Then, there was a very active social scene held together by fraternity parties and alcohol. I hated it. Now there's a very inactive social scene held together, as far as I can tell, by nothing at all. Guess what? I still hate it.

Look on the bright side: Campus life at Duke today is in a state of flux. If the administration stops trying to engineer a social scene from the top down, you will have a tremendous opportunity to create something new. A lot of people here prefer complaining to taking action, but you haven't been around long enough for disillusionment to set in. Start early and you may stave it off.

Part of the problem is that a campus community changes each year, so as an institutional group, undergraduates have a very short memory. This makes it hard to envision possibilities outside the current situation. I've heard that 15 years ago, independent living groups held well-attended semiformals. I find this almost inconceivable, but if it happened then, it could happen again. Try it!

Another example: When I was a freshman, Duke had an online forum called The Vent. People wrote in anonymously to express their opinions - usually profanely, often hilariously - on roommates who wouldn't let them masturbate, world events, annoying sorority girls and pretty much anything else. Unfortunately, someone used it to threaten his ex-girlfriend and the administration shut it down. But with proper regulation, something like The Vent could appear again. Overall, the possibilities are endless. I mean, 25 years ago DSG used to put together a course evaluation booklet that went beyond meaningless numbers and...