When we elected George W. Bush president, he didn't seem to be the best-qualified person we'd ever seen, but it was like, "How bad could he be?" and "Well, at least he isn't Al Gore." We thought we'd roll the dice a little with this term. Unfortunately, Bush hasn't exactly done a bang-up job. We had asked ourselves, "How much damage could he really do?" Well, I guess, alienate our allies, piss off our enemies, wreck the most successful economy in our country's history with dumb policies and bad tax cuts to turn it into a moribund stagnating mess and embarrass us repeatedly in front of the entire world. Whoops. Tough break. I think this is why our founding fathers made fun of England for letting spoiled-brat morons run around with all the power just because of who their fathers were. I think it might be why we revolted, too.
Anyway, the search is on for challengers to win the White House in 2004. None of the political parties are really famous for giving us candidates who don't suck, though, so I thought I would provide some people who aren't necessarily politically affiliated, but might make excellent executives. With the help of political consultant Sy-(Snootles)-and-the-Ramblin-(Root-Beer)-Gnome, then, I have come up with the list of THEODORE HUXTABLE'S PROTEGE'S Candidates for the Presidency in 2004:
James "Skip" Herrod, manager, The Marketplace
Who wouldn't be gushing with joy every time they returned to the States to see photos of Skip's smiling face greeting them? Plus, by implementing excellent ideas like all-you-can-eat cereal bins and freezing cold air-conditioners that blow up your shorts, we could really turn this federal government around.
Alana Beard, basketball player, Duke University
She's not really old enough yet, but with #20, you make an exception. With 22 points, 7 rebounds, 3 assists and 3 steals per contest, she's got more game than James Monroe ever did. And those are certainly better numbers than what Bush has been putting out this year.
Michael Dukakis, former governor, Massachusetts
Everyone made fun of Dukakis at the time, but was he any worse than the Bush-Gore tandem? Not even close, actually. Sure, he's really old, but if we can almost resurrect other ancient retired senators' careers, surely we can do the same for Dukakis. At least he'd be better than Dick Gephart. Who, admittedly, is named Dick.
Felicia Rashad, television actress
An excellent choice, if only because it would be amazing to have Bill Cosby as First Gentleman. Oh wait... she isn't actually married to him in real life. Come to think of it... she's married to Ahmad Rashad. Never mind, bad idea.
Carl Franks, head coach, Duke football team
If there's one thing Coach Franks has proven, it's that he gets results. Wait, no, that's not right. He would be our first mustached president since William Howard Taft, though, which is pretty cool. With that billion-dollar "Yoh Government Center" being constructed in Washington, I think a Franks administration has a lot of potential.
Garry W. Tallent, bassist, The E Street Band
A strong choice, definitely, as, just by making music with Bruce Springsteen, you automatically gain a connection to America stronger than Nixon and Clinton combined ever had. Meanwhile, playing on The Rising has taught him how to use Sept. 11 as a powerful opportunity for rebirth--instead of an exploitative chance to ram a hyperconservative agenda down our collective throat, gain political power and trample out disagreement by declaring himself a permanent wartime president. Plus, he'd be way better than Max Weinberg.
ALF, product spokesman, 10-10-220
His career is on the upsurge, and his wit will blow even Franklin Delano Roosevelt's away, if not Gerald Ford's. He's not as tall as Lincoln and Washington were, nor does he have as many fingers as John Adams, or even Andrew Jackson, but his show was a big success, which is more than you could say about anything George W. Bush has ever participated in.
Crazy Towel Guy, basketball fan, Duke University
With the country going to war with unprecedented frequency these days, we need someone who can fire up the troops. His habit of bowing down to the people should resonate in the original country where, as Walt Whitman has described, the president takes his hat off to the people, instead of the other way around. Of course, no one wears hats anymore, since John Kennedy's hair was too thick, but you get the point.
Morgan Freeman, film actor
I know, I know. After Ronald Reagan spent eight years lying to us (unless he was giving us complete factual inaccuracies because he just had utterly no idea what was going on), I vowed that we should never have another actor as president. But come on, he's f---ing Morgan Freeman, for f---'s sake. Furthermore, Freeman has played a president in a movie. Finally, 284 million Americans like him, as opposed to the six Americans who liked Al Gore.
Nan Keohane, president, Duke University
She has announced that she will leave Duke in 2004; this is, obviously, because she has her sights set on the big prize. She wouldn't be bad, actually. With her unparalleled fundraising abilities, she could put a definite dent in the huge budget deficit Bush has given us with his brilliant "cut taxes and increase spending" fiscal plan.
Chuck Berry, guitarist, singer, composer
With Chuck duckwalking around the White House, we would remind the world of everything they like about America, instead of just taking everything they hate about us and hitting them in the face with it, as Bush has done. He's also one of the greatest poets to ever live, and we might get calls to the White House saying "Chuck! It's your cousin, Marvin! Marvin Berry!"
THEODORE HUXTABLE'S PROTEGE was reminded last week in Page Auditorium that Arlo Guthrie is one of the bossest people to ever live. Whoops, that was a split infinitive. Woody wasn't too bad himself, either.
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.