It was quite the surreal situation. As George Clinton, looking strikingly like Walt Whitman, led a Whitmanian detonation in Page Auditorium, explosions of another, less American sort, were detonating in Iraq. There was only one thing to do: begin checking everyone's Duke IDs on Towerview Drive. Whoa, I feel safer already. Thank gosh. What I particularly like about this war as that the news still calls us "the Allies," even though it's just us and one other country. "Well, that's what we were called in World War II, and that was a good war, so maybe now that will make this a good war!" But, among the very complex issues involved in the debate on this war, one uncertainty screams louder than the others: Why in the name of gosh is France still on the U. N. Security Council? Does anyone really think this country is important? Should anyone on Earth care what they say? About all they've produced in the last fifty years is a few Jean-Luc Godard films, a couple late existentialist writings and Amelie. They desperately vowed to veto any resolution relating to Iraq no matter what it said, just to show everyone how much power they have. THEODORE HUXTABLE'S PROTEGE hereby passes a resolution. It says "You suck" on it.
The Oscars still went on as planned, though some had worried that it would be tasteless to have women in scanty evening gowns prancing around on red carpets while soldiers were dying across the globe. Which I guess makes the argument that it was tasteful every other year to have women in scanty evening gowns prancing around on red carpets while thousands died every day in developing countries of curable diseases and starvation.
The NCAA basketball tournaments have gone on as well. The Duke men's team has advanced to the Sweet 16 yet again, but students aren't exactly thrilled this year.
In fact, "Coach K" went on a vitriolic rant a few weeks ago about how pathetic student support has been for the team. And why is this? I thought I would investigate. Sy-(Snootles)-and-the-Ramblin-(Root-Beer)-Gnome (no, it's GUH-nome) suggested I interview a "Cameron Crazie" (which is not to be confused with that other species found at men's basketball games, the "Rich White Alumnus") to find out:
THP: Why do you think support for the men's basketball team has diminished this season?
CC: Well, Duke sucks this year.
THP: But we won the ACC Championship, we're ranked in the top-10 in the country, and we're 26-6.
CC: No, trust me, the team sucks.
THP: Um... okay.
CC: Listen, I pull for teams that win every game. Like, our football team, they don't win. I don't bother with them.
THP: Hmm. Do you think your desire to root for a team who wins stems from the fact that you can never win at anything yourself and need to cling to something, anything that does win? You know, like people who root for the Yankees?
CC: Well, I got into Duke, didn't I?
THP: Ah, touche. Anyway, you get your biggest thrill here by building up a body-painted frenzy before you yell, scream, jump, swear and pound away in simplistic rhythms for four and a half hours.
CC: Yep.
THP: You also insult the opposing schools?
CC: Yeah. They're totally inferior to us, intellectually.
THP: Oh, I can totally see that just by talking to you. I assume you don't think Duke is "anti-intellectual" or whatever?
CC: I don't know, I haven't been to class in a while. Tenting and everything.
THP: But... tenting's been over for a bit.
CC: Yeah, but I got so used to not going to class, I just couldn't go back. It's much easier to cram for the test the night before, so you don't have to worry about retaining the information over the long haul. I don't want to clog my head with any knowledge that doesn't help me taunt the opposing players.
THP: I see. Do you taunt the other players because you were picked on in high school, or just because you're pissed off at your life and your own sense of self?
CC: Well, look at this Duke sweatshirt I have. It proves that I go to Duke. Therefore I'm smarter than they are. So I taunt them. Their school sucks.
THP: Okay, back to the original question. Any other reason why student support may have gone down this year?
CC: Well, it's terrible, but people are putting effort into other things that are actually meaningful and relevant to the world around us. This school's really going downhill. Like, those anti-war protesters who tented? What a bunch of idiots. It didn't even help them get into the UNC game.
THP: One last question... why do the men's basketball fans have such awful rhythm? Every cheer deteriorates into out-of-tempo mindless garble.
CC: Uh... I'm not sure. What I am sure is, they should change, like on the sweatshirts you know, like now it says... well I don't know what it says, but it should say "basketballio."
THP: Clever.
THEODORE HUXTABLE'S PROTEGE could have attempted to metaphorically reduce the Cameron Crazie to a bestial barbaric savage or a blindly slavish conformist, and then show those concepts as little microcosms of Duke life, but s/he didn't.
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