The Chronicle is making THEODORE HUXTABLE'S PROTEGE do some more news reporting, and unfortunately Kevin Lees stuck me with "University Briefs." So, with help as always from Sy-(Snootles)-and-the-RambliA±-(Root-Beer)-Gnome, here are the day's additional University Briefs:
Nicholas family gives $25 million again; East Campus dorms all to be renamed "Nicholas."
As a result of yet another $25 million donation to Duke by the Nicholas family, all 14 East Campus dorms will be renamed "Nicholas." Each name will be followed by a numerical suffix from 1 to 14 to distinguish the dorms from one another. According to President Nan Keohane, other considered uses for Nicholas's name were "The Nicholas Pool at Taischoff Aquatic Pavilion," "Nicholas Coach K Court," and adding their name again to the school of the environment, making it "The Nicholas School of the Environment Nicholas."
Durham officially 'ghetto'
The City of Durham has been officially declared "ghetto" by a Duke sophomore at a party two days ago. Apparently it is not, despite evidence, a city with a complex history, an eclectic character, an amazing musical heritage, a vibrant people and a rich culture. When asked what he thought about Durham being the birthplace of both the Piedmont Blues and the first-ever large black-owned business in the United States, the sophomore sipped his beer and replied: "Ghetto."
White studies department introduced
A European-American Studies department has been introduced to Arts and Sciences, to stand some time in the future alongside the departments of African/African-American Studies, Asian-American Studies, Latin American Studies and Native American Studies. "This is excellent," one administrator said. "Just so long as we don't have an American Studies department, lest we give the impression that there were actually aspects of America that transcend race. We wouldn't want that!" The department will focus on the contributions of and issues related to Caucasian Americans, and will include such courses as "Show tunes: gay in so many ways," "George Washington was a helluva guy, and white, too," and "Why we insult poor whites as bigots to make us feel better about ourselves, and why we can't seem to find the stunning irony in this."
Student attempting to start intellectual conversation told he's at the wrong school
A freshman wishing to discuss an idea he had learned in one of his courses was told "maybe [he] went to the wrong school" this weekend by a student who had overheard the failed attempt. Another student added the comment, "Leave that s--- in the classroom."
No students sexually violated during entire Friday night
In an unprecedented event, an entire Friday night passed without one Duke student being sexually violated in an alcohol-related assault. Although this has not occurred before in recent memory, some students had a subdued reaction. "It doesn't really matter to me either way, just as long as the assailants are well-to-do, white Duke students," one female undergraduate was quoted as saying. "What really scares me is the extremely minuscule risk of encountering an intruder from off campus."
Student accused of taking advantage of what Duke has to offer
A Duke junior is being brought before the Undergraduate Judicial Board on charges of repeatedly attempting to get her money's worth out of the University by committing subversive acts like spending time in the Sarah P. Duke Gardens and consistently going to the classes she pays thousands of dollars for instead of sleeping through half of them. The charges could be dismissed on grounds of insanity, though, based on evidence that she considers her academic efforts actually to be interesting opportunities for intellectual and personal growth, instead of just "work." Far worse, though, is the charge that this individual savors every day she spends here, instead of just attempting to get through the miserable week as quickly as possible so she can get really wasted on the weekends. The latter offense could result in expulsion from the University.
Duke female has 'been good' lately by
exercising
A Trinity senior has reported that she has "been good" lately, which, as being thin is a matter of morality for Duke women, means that she has exercised extensively. Another secret to her virtue has been chastising herself for "being bad" after she eats a large meal, then feeling guilty.
Duke sees slight drop in number of 'boring, rich, alcoholic' applicants
While overall numbers for undergraduate applications to Duke were up again this year, there was a slight decrease in the number of dull but wealthy applicants who need to get drunk to tolerate their own depressing existence. "The drop in BRA's (boring, rich, alcoholic applicants] is unfortunate," admitted head of admissions Christoph Guttentag, "but with luck, Duke will be able to turn some of the other incoming students into, at the very least, boring alcoholics, by the end of freshman year."
Two students attend lecture they didn't already agree with before attending lecture
A pair of Duke juniors actually went to the Randall Robinson lecture last Tuesday night without already agreeing with what he was going to say before the lecture even started. "I don't know, I just wanted to hear what he had to say, maybe challenge my own ideas," one of them explained. The other student could not be reached for comment. This is the second such incident this semester.
In Other News
-- NPHC group holds yet another colloquium about people of color to emphasize lack of interest in white people
-- Member of housing staff really wearing UNC
T-shirt beneath "Duke Housing" uniform
-- Fraternity pledge trainers attempt to talk about brotherhood and friendship without sounding "f---ing gay"
-- Students engage in intimate physical encounter not involving alcohol
-- Duke women's basketball team discusses leaving ACC to seek better competition in WNBA
-- Sophomore wants to show Great Hall employees she's "not like other Duke students"
-- Student caught attempting to break out of
racial box
THEODORE HUXTABLE'S PROTEGE would like to acknowledge an obvious debt to The Onion in the composition of this column, as well as an obvious debt to the Jimi Hendrix Experience in the attainment of transcendence.
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