Column: Dating Sea Nuggets

Duke's dismal dating scene. You've been complaining about it since October of your freshman year. So has everyone else. It's the same complaint, no matter who you ask: People are either single or practically married. There's nothing in between. No dinner and a movie, no meeting someone for drinks, no trips to the zoo, nothing.

The way I see it, most Duke undergrads fall into a few basic categories. In the red corner, we have Jake. Jake and his girlfriend have been together since freshman orientation. In the blue corner, we have Hubert. He's hooked up with a number of girls, but never more than once. Then there's Dilbert. Dilbert is... well, Dilbert really likes engineering.

We'll leave the Jakes well enough alone. The tall sea nuggets have it easier anyway. Here's a plan for the Huberts and maybe even the Dilberts (in case an eligible lady stumbles into Teer).

Before I begin my main arguments, I must attach a disclaimer. The last time I went on an actual first date was more than two years ago. I'm not whining, I'm merely discrediting myself as a source.

Scenario numero uno:

For the most part, people are at Duke for a reason: They want to succeed. We have countless valedictorians and sports team captains in our classes every day. Since middle school we've been told that we can go big places and do big things. Our high school guidance counselors and teachers told us constantly that we were among the best, that we could do anything. After hearing it so many times, we start to believe it. The monster's out of the cage.

There's a girl who sits next to me in my political science class. She's pretty cute, but certainly not the hottest girl on campus. We talk for a few minutes before and after class every day and the chemistry is definitely there. I just have this feeling that I can do a little better.

Several empty weekends pass.

I run into the girl from my political science class at a party. It's kind of late and we are both drunk when we decide to head for the dance floor. After a few songs' worth of grinding (Eminem, Nelly, Bon Jovi, Jay-Z), the party is over. I live across the quad so we drunkenly stumble back to my room, where she spends the night. When I wake up in the morning, she's long gone and I can barely remember what happened. The next week, we awkwardly say hello to each other in class, but say nothing. Done.

What I'm trying to say is that there's a certain stigma attached to leaving campus. This results in unnecessary pressure to perform, making an actual date much more stressful than it really is. When dates become stressful, something is wrong.

With our social scene centered around campus like it is, the beds are short walks from the parties. This increases the likelihood of the drunken hookup while simultaneously decreasing the frequency of actual dates. This then perpetuates itself, as 'date' comes after 'hookup' in the minds of many. It's instant gratification, like Easy Mac.

This problem is hard to solve. Maybe cops should check our DukeCards as we drive on campus. Maybe parties should continue to move off campus. Maybe we just need to grow up. We'll probably just maintain the status quo out of sheer laziness. Maybe I'll make a girl Easy Mac and take her to the zoo.

Tom Burney is a Pratt junior. His column appears every third Wednesday.