A few years ago, in my early years at Duke, among Busch Light and polo shirts, I followed hushed voices to a West Campus bench.
"Uh, I'm like gonna major in econ. Go I-Banking!" said freshman 1.
"Let's go get drunk on daddy's money and hook up with sorority girls," said frat boy 1.
"It's hard being a freshman - East Campus is a dry wasteland devoid of available girls! What I dream of is a commune where we can share the pleasures of our Duke society," chimed freshman 2.
"I concur, comrade. Do you accept this calling to the totalitarian brotherhood of indulgence? A utopia where we can pool our assets and everyone, but mostly just us, can hook up with girls and enjoy beer at all hours of the day! We'll call it...Section!," whispered a mysterious voice from under the bench.
A chorus of "Hail Stalin!" echoed across the main quad...
The winds of change were quickly approaching. Buried within the facade of capitalism, a storm was quickly enveloping West Campus. Subliminal, the movement was small, affecting only the utmost conformists.
However, in a community devoid of red flags, hammers and sickles, where was this movement circulating from? It only took a few minutes of "Duke Directory" searching, but I came across the man who broke the conspiracy - the one who detailed the true motives of Nan and her henchmen. His name was Nikolai G. Roudev, and his warning was clear:
"So, are you looking to spend your college years in the ideal socialist utopia? Get ready for the horror-house!" he wrote on his now-famous website.
I was able to contact him only once before his "exile," and when I told him about the possibility that we'd print his findings, he said, "I do hereby extend to you and your magazine such permissions, general and specific, as are necessary to reproduce, without my further consent, any and all materials contained on my web-page.... And I do further affirm that I give the consent set forth herein in perpetuity and pro bono."
Unable to contact him further, I called the authority of missing people: The Office of Alumni Affairs. However, even after extensive research, they were unable to provide any evidence of this class of 2002 member. Furthermore, the registrar's office found only a name, with no corresponding info, in its database.
Likely the result of a University hit, our soothsayer has vanished into the depths of this cruel world, but Nick's words will not be forgotten.
As I write this, I hide within a corner fearing for my own life, as I know L. Mo and his "secret police" will soon thrust me back into the throngs of the "quad community."
I risked my life to write this.
Every time you hear "quad community" or "interaction," be afraid. Did you come to Duke in the hopes that you could become rich and benefit from the upper crust of capitalist society?
To quote the possibly deceased Mr. Roudev, "WELL, COMRADE, YOU WERE WRONG!"
- Tom Roller
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