Column: Next target: Australia

The following is a copy of a memorandum I intend to forward to the President of the United States and the National Security Council.

Saddam Hussein is no longer the most serious threat to the security of the United States. Although it might be somewhat feasible that he could possibly deliver his supposed chemical and biological weapon stockpiles within about 10,000 miles of our nation's borders, a major new threat has recently emerged and demands immediate attention: Australia. The United States must face the growing military might and prevent nationalism of this colony of British criminals, or we will face the consequences.

If anyone is qualified to assess the threat posed by the haughty Aussies, that person is me. I spent last fall posing as a university student in Sydney, the epicenter of anti-American rhetoric and military buildup. My findings were, in a word, chilling.

For starters, Australians exhibit a sense of nationalism the likes of which I haven't seen since Sept. 12, 2001 in the United States. They refer to everything about their country as "great" - the Great Barrier Reef, the great white shark, the great fire of 1908, the list goes on. They show substantial pride in their way of life, flaunting their sophisticated accents, crocodile-tooth hats and giant machetes.

But things only get worse. Australia is a huge country with a relatively small population. The Australian military could hide weapons of minor, moderate or even mass destruction in the Aussie bush, where it would be all but invisible. The outback is simply impossible to monitor. No foreigner has ever ventured more than a few kilometers outside the major cities of Sydney and... er, the major city of Sydney. They could be building biological weapons like anthrax or chemical weapons like Vanilla Coke. We just don't know.

And from the looks of the situation, we never will know. Australia has conveniently never had a visit from United Nations weapons inspectors. Even Saddam is allowing the inspectors into Iraq; Australia has never been inspected. In fact, the former chief weapons inspector for the United Nations, Richard Butler, is (you guessed it) an Australian citizen. He has the know-how to guide the development of weapons of mass destruction and keep such efforts hidden from the international community. Since Australia is a mere 6,000 miles from the West Coast of the United States, their first-strike capability is unmatched even by Iraq.

The Australians are also much smarter than most people believe. They trick you into thinking they're laid-back, beach-going, beer-drinking well-wishers, but in reality these people are shrewd, conniving and very sneaky. They have developed sophisticated mind-control techniques, employing them in their television advertisements. I still remember the phone number of Lube Mobile (Call 13 30 32!) and that catchy jingle from Modern Furniture Solutions. This is perhaps even more frightening than weapons of mass destruction.

The final ingredient in this witch's brew is the fierce anti-American attitude that Aussies cling to like it's a stubbie of Victoria Bitter. In fact, the anti-American feelings have gotten so strong I was forced to introduce myself as a Canadian on several occasions out of fear of being discovered to be an American. I still have nightmares about doing so.