Column: Duke or Disneyland?

Forget label wearing, name dropping and the basketball team. The latest announcement from administration by far separates Duke from all the rest. I hear conversations about "the monorail" and mistakenly assume it's in reference to The Simpsons. Then I find out that it's a possible transportation system for campus. But there's more: We're going to have "Main Street" and tear down and rebuild all of Central. So, as Duke plans to sink exorbitant amounts of money into a project that will come to fruition when we're in our forties, I ask: Is this a University or a theme park? I can just see it now: We'll officially rename it The Gothic Wonderland. Instead of Epcot, we can do Frat-Cot where all the fraternities kicked off campus can have their own "nations of the world" area. Clearly, the Chapel is the Magic Kingdom. We can even have students work as characters, dressed up as professors and administrators. With tuition about to clear the $40,000 mark I'm sure we can afford it. And if construction costs go over, we can always have the members of Pi Kappa Alpha build it for us as part of their community service. But before we start sketching plans for "It's Nannerl's World" and "The Washington Duke Teacups," let's focus on the main problem with this part of the Master Plan: There are improvements that can and should be made now.

Yes, having this Master Plan is key, and several important changes have come from it. But just like we're taught in middle school, short-term goals are fundamental in life.

First off is parking. I don't know about you, but I have never seen a situation where the walk to and from your car is so far that you need Gatorade stands to refuel. I know we are building this massive parking complex, but honestly, it's Durham. If it were Boston, I could see a multi-tiered garage. At the University of Sydney there was ample parking for 39,000 students - many of whom commuted- and it is an international city! We've hired parking specialists and the problem worsens each semester. And telling us it will get better in a few years is not settling to those of us who will not be here to enjoy it. There has got to be a better way.

I admit that's not the shortest of short-term goals. But how about doors on bathroom stalls? Not that I don't love the ghetto fabulous shower curtains that match the archaic urinals in the women's bathrooms, but I think at a top five ranked university, actual doors would be appropriate. Another good thing would be hot water. Nothing makes a girl happier on 30-degree mornings than a shower with no warmth and no water pressure.

Now, speaking on behalf of students with cars, I turn to the roads. The recent storms have left potholes that make going down Towerview and other streets like driving the Rockies. I have seen no work done to fix the holes, but there is the pungent smell of tar hanging over the BC Walkway every day. I don't know where the tar is, or what it's being used for, but let's get some of that thick black goodness over to the streets so someone doesn't destroy their vehicle trying to get to the Blue Lots.

Lastly, Union Drive. For the past two years I have been blessed with a window facing this road, and thanks to the 750,000 trucks that back down it every morning I don't need an alarm clock. The incessant beeping that starts as early as 4 a.m. and goes well into morning needs to be reconciled. First off, it's a dead end - where could these trucks possibly go? Secondly, there is no longer major work going on. Thirdly, why can't they just drive down the normal way?

These are just a few of the many minor changes that our campus needs now. Big plans are great and I'm all for making Duke a pavilion for education. But, as a member of the Class of 2004 who has gotten the shortest possible end of the stick for three years, I ask, no, I plead: Please make changes to Duke that we will actually be here to appreciate. We too deserve the best environment in which to live and learn.

Special thanks to the recent birthday girl Diana for the column topic idea. Happy 21st!