Tom: Hey Ren, I think for our last column, we should just have a conversation. You know, the column where we come out and say "Hey, THE SECOND GUNMAN was us the whole time!" Anyway, my idea is that we just send e-mails back and forth until we reach our word limit. What do you think?
Ren: What's "THE SECOND GUNMAN"? And who are you?
T: Dude, do you want me to write back to that last e-mail? Don't you want to say more than five words?
R: It was a joke.
T: I didn't get it.
So we went our separate ways.
Ren: What can I say, I had a lot of fun. It was a stressful semester so I thank Tom for carrying a little more of the load. Now that that's said, the "Foot & Leg So Far Down My Mouth, It Looks Like I Actually Have Two Legs" award definitely goes to Jordan Kramer, who on his own accord told us: "THE SECOND GUNMAN SUCKS! By far the worst Monday, Monday I have ever seen...." But hey Jordanamo, no hard feelings. On the topic of being unusually cruel to the administration: Nan thanks for writing; we had a good laugh over the letter; it was well played. If any of you ever want my input I would be happy to meet with you and talk in a normal, decent fashion, although it's a hunch that you don't really listen to the students (e.g., C2K, the independent corridor/no social scene campus). The "I Take Reporting A Little Too Seriously" award goes to Jen Hasvold, who broke into our editor's computer to find out who we were. Jen, we will forgive Jordan, but I don't know if we can forgive that.
I am sure as you read this, we will be still sitting in a disaster-torn Durham. While most towns across the United States would be fine after three inches of snow, Durham is in critical condition. How did three inches become a natural disaster? Are they using toothpicks to hold up their power lines and a couple of pool cues to plow the streets? What has public works been up to these past couple of days, cutting wires and shoveling snow onto the streets? What if we ever got a 4-incher? Or how about that dreaded 5-incher? A 5-inch snowstorm would mean instant death for everyone, utter annihilation. Come on people, God didn't have it rain for 40 days and 40 nights; we just had a 6-inch snowstorm in Durham. It lasted all of two hours, Noah drove a snowplow and the animals made it on their own.
I would like to send thanks to my parents, Mirecourt for being a place that accepts me for being me, Julia and Mark for their support, Irwin and Whyz, my super FAC Nat, her buddies, Sam, E-Dawg, the E-Mobile and Big Ken our editor. I don't want to thank Mike, Mike, Tyler and Ershad for going abroad.
Tom: The idea to write this column was originally mine. I had toyed with the idea last fall, but decided to put it off. Last April, I decided that I was up to the task for this semester, but that it would be much easier with a second person helping. Then the question, whom to ask? Ren's e-mails to our dorm list were more entertaining to me than almost anything else, so I asked him if he was interested. Guess what he said?
Coming into the semester, I worried that we would be unfunny. In semesters past, a good Monday morning laugh was such a pick-me-up. For this reason, I wanted it to be funny. It's hard to judge one's own work, so I found myself bringing it up in conversation with friends, trying to get feedback. The initial feedback was positive, especially after we ran the column poking fun at Faran. I guess at this juncture I should point out that I harbor no ill feelings toward those who were mocked in this column. In fact, of all the people mentioned in this space, Ren Provey (of the ReProCoMemWa) is the only one I have personally met. Apologies to those who were offended.
As always, we tried to remain anonymous, but some of our friends figured us out. "It's like reading last week's conversations in The Chronicle." Also, "It reeks of you." Others were a little less perceptive. The best was when my brother, a freshman, suggested that maybe we should co-write the column sometime in the future. A few days later, Mom sent me an e-mail: "Your brother called. He told me you and he might collaborate on a weekly humor column next semester. He went on to describe this column that appears in the newspaper, how funny it is, what it makes fun of, etc." Mom knew the situation, and was laughing to herself the whole time. Oh man, family fun.
Where might you spot me on campus? Maybe you see me rollerblading to class. Maybe you bought an "I Hate Duke Physics" shirt from me. Or maybe you played ball with us in Wilson. Anyway, I enjoyed writing this column and I hope you enjoyed reading it. Off to the grassy knoll....
Ren Provey and Tom Burney are Trinity and Pratt juniors, respectively. Their column appears whether you want it to or not. Archive at www.duke.edu/~teb/ papers.html
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