That's right kids, it's term paper time! Dave Ingram, Chronicle Kommandant, liked my use of footnotes last week. He asked me to use them again, so that this column may be used as a study guide for those using footnotes in their research papers. In this column, THE SECOND GUNMAN (1), in addition to practicing proper footnote usage, will elaborate on the acronym-laden fun that is Administrative Student Services (2). I like to call it putting foot(notes) to ASS. In order to gather the information necessary for this attack, I employed a highly trained team of ninjas: the Special Martial Arts Reconnaissance Team for Administrative Student Services (3).
Larry Moneta has done a great job this year of kicking ASS into high gear. In fact, the guy has come up with some phenomenal ideas about the student village. There, we just gave credit where credit was due. However, students need results, not just ideas. So if Dr. Larry doesn't start making something of these ideas, he can kiss his ASS's offices goodbye.
According to Moneta's plans, several key offices would be moved to the Bryan Center, the new student hub. Administrative Student Services would be among those departments relocated, possibly undergoing serious changes, under the Administrative Student Services' Revamping And Maybe MovING plan. When asked about this, Moneta stated, "I am strongly in favor of the aforementioned program. I think it's exactly what every Ivy Leaguer needs."
If those offices were to be vacated, the next people in line for the nicest trailer in the park would be Bill Burig and the rest of the Administrative Student Services HOusing LEaderS (4). Noted for his skill in deception and trickery, Burig has done an excellent job as the head of this group. He even helped implement the new policy of mandatory West Campus housing for sophomores. Following the lead of the new departmental motto, "Administrative Student Services: Focused on Under Class Kids," they have continued to &*&% (5) the junior class. Just ask any of last year's Trent residents, except maybe the guy who was growing weed in his room. I heard he has a nice Blackwell-sized room and a roommate who likes to focus on upper-class kids, if you know what I mean.
While we're on the topic of students who lived in Trent, let me make you aware of a document that Kristina Johnson (6) pulled out of her Administrative Student Services file. The Pratt brass, upon learning that the electrical engineers deal with excessive stress, met with South-West Asian and Mesopotamian People Administrative Student Services (7). In an effort to boost morale, they released the Administrative Student Services Minimum Asian Student Teer Enjoyment Requirement, which stated that no student be allowed to eat more than one (8) vending machine sandwich in a single semester. They also began E-kegs, which is still intoxicating people to this day.
E-kegs is cold, foamy proof that people really do like Administrative Student Services every once in awhile. In fact, those wacky blue-and-white-shirted band kids have started their own branch, Duke University Marching Band Administrative Student Services. While this is a landmark achievement, they have yet to elect a leader, as nobody wants to be the butt (9) of the DUMBASS jokes.
Recently, students have been a bit disgruntled with the changes taking place around them. That's why I would like to thank The Chronicle for allowing me to be the voice of the students. I hope that all you students out there admire my Bereaving of Recent Administrative Student Servicers' (Bill And Larry) LieS, as it takes a big man (with brass balls) to stand up and say some of the things that I've said this semester. I have been a Hating And Really Demanding Administrative Student Services critic. Because of this, I would like to be remembered as a Berater And Demeaner of Administrative Student Services.
Alas, my time is up. Next week, I reveal myself. Burig and Moneta will find out who I am, so I'm sure to be "randomly assigned" a low number in the housing lottery. As a current freshman or rising sophomore, I'll surely get screwed. Show me what I've won! (10)
I'm willing to bet that my DukeCard will no longer work for basketball games. That's one thing I failed to make fun of this semester- but I guess enough attention is focused on the basketball team. No hoops is no big loss for me though. If I'm spending 90 minutes in line, I'll take Subway over Cameron. Speaking of, they could probably take my food points, too. If you see someone swiping in vain at the 'Dillo bar next semester, you know which GUNMAN it is. So I'm asking you to donate to the canned food drive; it might be my only hope.
Hopefully next semester's Monday, Monday won't hate on us like we did on PUPPETMASTER AND PATSY. But seriously, thanks guys, you gave us the inspiration. You've been wonderful. I've been here all semester.
(1) Here, the author refers to himself in the third person
(2) ASS for short
(3) You get the idea
(4) Expletive unprintable
(5) Departmental motto acronym
(6) Dean of the Pratt School of Engineering
(7) Like when your butt's all sweaty
(8) Uno
(9) Oh, so witty
(10) A single in House P
THE SECOND GUNMEN are pacing and mumbling, "Administration is going to kick our ass (not ASS). Administration is going to kick our ass."
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