Responding to the needs of our readers, we sent several writers out to find the best cheap dates in the Triangle. While we're glad to take credit for any play you get as a result of our suggestions, don't blame us if your girlfriend dumps you for spending your one-year anniversary at Wal-Mart. Let the fun begin...
Unofficial Diploma
The order. It's all about the order.
When attempting to complete all five graduation requirements in one whirlwind of an evening, you've gotta consider which ones to do when . 'Cause a man's gotta think about the ol' wear-and-tear, ya know. (Side note: This should not be a first date unless both of you are of, shall we say, "liberal tastes.")
Here's your best bet:
9 p.m.--Both you and your date should finish your work early at Perkins. Once you get your microeconomics out of the way, (lame joke alert) it's time to get your macroswerve on. Find a cozy nook in the corner of the sub-basement and get to love-makin'.
9:03 p.m.--After the cool-off cig, hop in the car that you've strategically parked in the Chapel parking lot and head down Chapel Drive. Unless a bus is coming, jam it to the left--wonky Brit-style--complete the rotation and head to East Campus.
9:11 p.m.--Having made such good time so far, you can cool your pace a bit. First, park your car next to the warehouse on the western side of the bridge (read on for the reason why). Then, take a short hike past Lilly Library and forcibly urge an unsuspecting Pegram resident to let you into his dorm and make your way to the second-floor single closest to Baldwin Auditorium. Finagle yourself across the archway, hop onto the dome and take in the stars. Even bring some wine and cheese and make a picnic of it.
10:01 p.m.--Climb off the dome, drop the dweed in the second-floor single a shiny Washington for his hospitality and sneak to the backside of the Carr Building. An entrance to the tunnels is normally open there, and with some deft manuevering, you can wiggle yourself in. Suck in the toxic fumes and steer clear of the satanic ritualistic material found on the top-floor of your point of exit--that's right, the warehouse where you parked your car. Way to go, slick.
10:53 p.m.--You may be tired, you may be weary, but there's still some pressing work to be done. Sneak into the Gardens' Lewis Street entrance and find a non-splintered bench in the Asian garden. Police flashlights are looking for unwanted intruders at this time, but if you're quiet (we know your partner certainly has nothing to be loud about), you should escape misdemeanor-free and diploma-ready.
--Greg Veis
Driving Your Imagination
I'm impressing my date with the only event that combines the imagination and guesswork of fake identities with the good old-fashioned adrenaline rush of joyriding. That's right, test-driving cars. It's free, it's fun and hell, they might be giving away a free muzak CD too.
First, "Stan" and I throw on our ripped jeans and free Marlboro t-shirts that came with our last carton and head down to Toyota of Durham. We're going to whet our appetite in the high-line world of pre-owned cars. With our new identities (Darla Lee and Bubba) and accents, we're ready to talk business. First, I spy a 1984 Volkswagen Rabbit--Darla Lee's dream car.
"Nev' in myyy liiife did III think Iy'd own one 'a them fancy German cars!" she drawled. But Bubba won't have his fiancée rollin' around in anything but American.
"Ain't Toy-yo-tah American?" he asked. Not wanting to lose the sale, the dealer said, "Of course." So Darla Lee and Bubba got down to business and drove a 1986 Toyota MR2 and 1988 Celica before Bubba said he couldn't part with his 1977 GMC Sierra pick-up, even though it hadn't started since since the last Bush was in the White House.
We ran home for a quick change and some new identities. Emerging in our Sunday best, we head to Performance Porsche in Chapel Hill. Stan is Abe Froman, sausage king of Chicago, and I am his mistress, Peregrine, a disinterested model.
After making a fuss over the decor and horribly uncomfortable seating, we make Brent, the master of our "buying experience," run to Wellspring and buy us spring water and organic dates. Upon his return, we test drive the Boxter S, which we patently refuse because of the outrageous 30 miles on the odometer--13 of which we added! We also drove the 2002 911 Carrera, but we're not buying anything from last year--not for the sausage king of Chicago!
As you can see, there's plenty of fun out there for the adventurous couple. So invent an identity, dress the part and head out for your own driving experience. If you see Stan and I test driving a minivan next week, don't blow our cover!
--Meg Lawson
Pool Commandos
What's the only thing better than taking a date for a long, relaxing dip in your pool? Well, swimming in someone else's, of course.
In this most popular of trespassing trends since breaking the arm off parking lot gates, students find themselves splashing around for hours free of charge--assuming no fines or legal fees. And why not? Even if the date goes terribly wrong, you at least preclude the possibility of being left high and dry at its end.
Duke's Faculty Club, located next to the Washington Duke, boasts three impressive swimming pools--a large recreational pool, a heated lap pool and a wading pool. Here there's something for everyone.
If trespassing seems a little dangerous to dive into, any law-abiding citizen may get his feet wet by accompanying a member and pay a $5 entrance fee during regular hours of operation.
On its "tranquil lake setting," the Belmont offers all the qualities of posh living and swimming to anyone behind its gates. All you need to do is pretend to be a pizza deliveryman, and you're in.
In the most high-class of pool-hopping options, the Washington Duke's website invites us to "relax and unwind at our outdoor pool overlooking the Ninth Fairway of the Duke Golf Course." Thanks, we just may.
--Kim Roller
Wally World Fun
Really wow your date by taking him/her to "the swankiest place you know." Be sure to mention that you've "been waiting for someone special to share it with."
Drive to Wal-Mart. Tell your date that you "know everyone here" and you can't wait for him/her to "meet the others." Leave the car at "valet parking." Shake the greeter guy's hand warmly and introduce your date to him as "the one I've been telling you about." Inform your date that your evening is just beginning and treat yourselves to a "carriage ride" on one of the big dinosaurs at the front of the store.
Next, stride purposefully around the store, addressing all employees as "old bean." Suddenly stop, get a far-away look in your eyes as you listen to the Muzak, and ask your date, "may I have this dance?" Pick up the red speaker-phone and make announcements to the whole store as if your date cannot hear you. Appropriate statements might be: "It's going well so far guys, what do I do next?," "For the love of pete, somebody slip me some Bianca, but be discreet, it's for her [him]" or, "I'm closing in, run me a price check on condoms, STAT." Mouth "business call" to your date and point to the phone as you wait for a reply.
Escort your date to the auto section and present her/him with "something that reminded me of you." A good choice might be a tasteful Tweetie-Bird steering wheel cover and floor mat set. Inform your date that you can't give him/her the gift yet, as you're "still making payments on that one." Refer to the gift thereafter as a "future acquisition." Lie down on one of the lounge chairs, snap your fingers, and ask the nearest employee for some hot towels and a neck massage. Say that your date will have "the same." Then try to convince the same employee to chauffer the two of you around in a shopping cart.
As you are escorted out of the store, apologize profusely to everyone you see for departing so early. Turn to your date and say "next time I pick the venue, alright?"
--Macy Parker
Blowin' Smoke
I'm gonna tell you dudes about the perfect date. It's only gonna cost you five bones too, bro. You see, I got this guy. He's got this dank ass herb, man. I'm saying, you know, you talk to my guy; he'll set you up and whatnot.
Right, anyway, so, you get your lady friend, you know, and your little nickel bag and find yourself a nice little cozy place on campus, real out of the way. Nothing busts up a good date like the five-O rollin' up.
Pack your piece or roll your blunt, whichever you prefer, but on a first date especially, I just feel that a piece is more, you know, romantic and whatnot. Be sure to let your lady friend takes greens--it's just proper manners, you know. And if you want to get a little more intimate, there are all kinds of shotgunning methods and positions you can try.
But seriously, the real date gets kicking after the smoke clears. I recommend throwing in some chill ass tunes and relaxing. Just see where the night takes you. Hydroponic fun isn't about making plans, it's about letting go and you know, like, kicking back or whatever.
--Jon Schnaars
Movie Madness
And you thought gettin' some in the back of a theater required "charm" and "good looks," when in reality, all you needed was three bucks and a DukeCard.
Step 1: Go to the vending machine and swipy-swipe for some of your favorite snacks like you were gonna blaze--except you're not.
Step 2: Trade your roommate a Snickers bar for his Escalade. The kid better let you have it after sexiling you with an pimply freshman last week.
Step 3: Grab $3 and your girl and now you're smoking like Recess on a Tuesday afternoon.
At the Blue Ridge 14 (600 Blue Ridge Rd., Raleigh) you will find the best six month-old movies, and they're all $1.50. At your average movie theater, you pay $8 for what is probably just another P.O.S movie, but because all these movies are a little "weathered," they only have the best ones. Plus they are only a buck-fitty!
Smuggle in the candy you got with your DukeCard and settle next to your honey in the back row. Since you both saw Spiderman twice when it was new, she shouldn't really have a problem with the two of you showing the 14 year-olds in the seat next to you how the big kids play.
You also have countless other debaucherous options at the Blue Ridge 14 . For example, if you missed seeing Scooby Doo the way it was intended to be seen, now is your chance. The best part about this whole thing is if you two get kicked out for making an ass of yourself, you're only out $3.00!
--Yoav Lurie
Cheap Sex
Low on cash, and unable to find a date? Alas, whether disillusioned with Duke's alcohol-driven "hook-up culture," or simply shy with the opposite sex, the best minds of our generation are frequently left lonely at this university.
Well, as usual, the city of Durham compensates for what Duke lacks. On the sidewalks of Angier Avenue, amidst all the Styrofoam-cup-holding drug dealers, you will find several women who will chat with you and then some for only $15... heck, one of them might even "take you around the world" for just 20 bucks! You just need to find an appropriately abandoned parking lot and remember to be as safe as possible.
Is it worth it? Well, you'll be helping to decrease this country's woefully uneven distribution of wealth, as well as meeting someone who has led a very interesting, exciting life much distinct from your own. To take a girl out to dinner would cost that much anyway, and besides, this is infinitely more honest than treating someone well and pretending to be interested in their minds just so they'll have sex with you at the end of the date. This way, once your physical needs have been satiated by a professional, you can look at all the women you see thereafter as what they are, real human beings and not just savory potential "hook-ups."
--Brett Couric
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