Faster than a speeding bullet! Able to deflect heat-seeking missiles with a frying pan! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's--who the hell is he, anyway? He's Jason Statham, whom you may remember from 2001's Snatch, stars as the "transporter," a flimsy cutout of an action hero with an agenda as fascinating as his adopted alias. Yup, you got it: He, uh, transports things. And kicks some ass. He's bigger than Bond, balder than Bruce and badder than Bugs Bunny. About as dumb, too. Holy hair plugs, Batman! This superhero sucks!
The Transporter opens with an absolutely gorgeous car chase. As a shameless devotee--nay, connoisseur--of the action-film genre, I'll be the first to admit that this is a first-rate, double-oh-seven-caliber sequence. However, post-intro, this flick loses all semblance of a plot faster than a Bond girl drops her pants. Highlights include a bus station grease fight, the aforementioned missile scene and the subsequent underwater getaway. Remember, if you suspect your seaside villa may be firebombed in the near future, stow some SCUBA gear in the basement. You just never know.
Other selling points include the moist, rippling topography of Statham's chest, exposed more often than not. And why not? The man's one big side of beef, and he'll strip down with the slightest provocation. Little did I know, there are approximately 14 ways to kill a man with a powder-blue polo shirt.
Transporter's cozy delirium is akin to the bewildering feeling you get after that fourth "inspirational" paper-writing beer, when the adrenaline wears off and your game plan disintegrates into a hazy stupor. You'd be sort of frustrated, if everything weren't so damned funny.
Indeed, this 90-minute wonder is a laugh a minute. Yippee-ki-yay! Gentle readers, I'm going to give you the inside scoop on Recess: We see all our movies for free. That's right, free. Unfortunately, you folks actually have to pay for your entertainment. Experienced in covert ops? Specialize in theater infiltration? Go for it. Otherwise, save your money 'cause this one just ain't worth it. Take your 10 bucks and go save a lemur.
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