News, Views: Mr. Larry King

Sadly, editors at the nation's most reputable news outlet, USA Today, dropped Larry King from their line of columnists last year. Driven into the throes of depression by the departure of a true American genius, Recess has allowed Mr. King column space on our own hallowed pages:

If I were to venture a guess, I would say that the Washington, D.C., sniper is using a gun...

So, I read in the news today that Robbie Williams just received the largest contract in music history. I don't know about you, but if I were the head of a music label, all that money would be going to Captain & Tenille...

Bar none, Hilary Clinton: a vile succubus...

We may be headed into war with Saddam Hussein, but in this man's opinion, he has the most attractive smile of any tyrant this side of Pol Pot...

For my money, diversity and multiculturalism go hand in hand...

Sitting in the shower yesterday, I finally realized that my uncle was lying when he said mother would hate me if I told her about our afternoons playing catch in the backyard...

A note to the reader: Prince Alberts are painful...

From the spoon I'm sitting on, Mother Teresa has got to be the most overrated of the saints...

If I could describe John Stamos in three syllables, they would be de-lic-ious...

Seventeen magazine recently published that Duke University is the 11th coolest place to go to school in the country. Balderdash...

Professor Plum in the study with a candlestick...

And to all, a splendid Fall Break.

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