Editorial: We're on strike!

We, the Editorial Board of The Chronicle, are sick and tired of all the demands made upon us and all the constant criticism about how we never spell-check and can't write. So we're going on strike!

That's right: In the proud tradition of Duke Student Government, which has been on strike from doing anything productive for at least five years, and graduate students, who are forming a union to protect their right to sit around for seven years not writing their dissertations, The Chronicle will unionize and stop publication.

No more crossword puzzles or Blazing Sea Nuggets until our demands are met. Oh, and for those 23 readers who care, no more coverage of University news or the Medical Center--guess Duke News will have to redouble its efforts to inform people about what's going on. Speaking of Duke News, we are fed up with continually being scooped by it on compelling stories like pens given to faculty members. We demand that Duke News tell us about these important events so that we can put some of our lazy University reporters to work.

Our next demand is that we get unlimited use of paper at The Chronicle. We're up here for 80 hours a week and we don't get paid, so the least we can do is have the right to use some freakin' paper! Or at least the adults should stop complaining about how much paper we use--after all, we are a newsPAPER, and we occasionally must use paper to print out our stories or layouts.

Our third demand is that Nan institute a University-wide boycott of all pickles and other condiments made from vegetables. We think its unfair to single out Mt. Olive Pickle Company when other companies are abusing their farm workers, too. Why don't we just boycott all food that is not organically grown and become vegetarians raising our own food-oh, right, farming is hard and meat is delicious.

Also, we want Chronicle parking in front of the Chapel, or at least some explanation for why the Chapel is randomly closed at least three times a week. And we want the deans to hire at least one Chronicle graduate each year and provide them with a cushy job where they do nothing except send us joint e-mails. And when is Subway coming? Stop being lazy and just build the thing already. Build some bus shelters, too, so that people will stop using The Chronicle as a makeshift umbrella (at least there's one use for a Chronicle other than a toilet paper substitute).

We will continue to strike until the above demands are met, or at least until hospital officials call us in for a little chat explaining the evils of unionization (they would fire us, but they can't because we're not nurses, we're volunteers). And we are more than willing to give kick-backs to anyone who will support our cause. All that ad revenue we get from selling to racists and the baby-killers has to go somewhere. As a result The Chronicle's slush-fund is pretty large.

But, it's not quite as large as President Nan Keohane's cultural slush fund that she uses to pay off disgruntled groups so that they don't hold annoying protests and chant slogans in front of the Chapel. We'll leave that to the anti-war protesters-thank God those tree-hugging pacifists weren't around in 1941, or we'd be speaking German, eating sauerkraut and worshiping a short man with a really bad mustache (and no, we do not mean Provost Peter Lange).