Column: Taking a break

Lately it seems every couple I know is redefining their relationship in order to see other people. Couples aren't breaking up, but rather reshaping what they are under new names for the sake of a quasi-single life in college. Everyone has a different name for their new situation: there's the "non-exclusive hook-up", the "open relationship" and the ever popular "taking a break." Whatever title they may be given, relationships in this new genre all amount to the same thing: a trial separation, only without the marriage.

The creation of this new breed of dating comes from a fear of commitment and a desire for independence. We look at our college years as the time we're supposed to be single--the time when we live it up before getting ready to settle down with someone for the long run. However, when we meet someone we want to commit to while in college, it throws off the plans. We're then faced with the ultimate decision: stay with the one you want and face regrets down the line of having been tied down instead of dating in college or break up and risk losing a good relationship for what might be out there. Being smart and selfish, we've decided we can have both.

While these semi-committed relationships look great on paper, there are consequences that usually don't get taken into account. Take it from me--the girl who plans everything and currently finds herself without control of the situation--with forced separations, it's uncharted territory. When you and your significant other are apart, trying to reconfigure what you are is difficult. You have to detach the friendship from the romantic relationship. Dealing with distance that is self-inflicted doesn't make the adjustment any easier. It's a learning process, and you have to keep reminding yourself that what you once were is not what you are now. Though we may get used to it, obstacles can still arise.

There is no thought to the way you will feel once you're back in the dating game. As much as we tell ourselves we're free to meet other people, guilt can result nonetheless. No one thinks about the anger and possible revenge-driven reaction that comes if you find out about your girlfriend's bedroom activities. Emotion is left out of the equation for these relationships and will be what makes or breaks them in the long run.

What happens once couples get back together is another set of issues. First off, there's the situation where one person in the relationship truly utilizes his or her freedom and the other does not. Much as couples will agree to accept whatever happens, it is extremely difficult to pick up where you left off knowing your boyfriend was with a lot of other people.

Couples assume they will just fall back into their old relationship. We don't entertain the thought that one or both people could want to stay single and end the relationship for good. There is also the problem of wanting to open the Pandora's box and ask about your significant other's actions, which could stir up feelings of jealousy and possession--a bad thing for any relationship. Hard as we have worked at creating a utopian dating environment, being pragmatic just doesn't work when people's feelings are involved.

We need to realize every relationship is different. While we know couples that made it through the fire, there is no guarantee that the same will happen for every one of us. Not every relationship was built to handle such a change. It's the same reason why some marriages last and others don't. Relationships will come out of this separation unscathed, some may be damaged, and others may not survive. This is the risk we take when trying to have our cake and eat it too.

As my Swedish friend aptly put it, "You Americans like to complicate things." We are so intent on having it all that we take a chance of hurting ourselves and the people we date by forcing separation into our relationships. So, coming from someone currently in the trenches, the only advice I can offer is for each couple to think carefully before redefining their relationship. This isn't something that progresses naturally, and you must accept that results can be different than expected. You need to decide if separating is a risk you are willing to take with your boyfriend or girlfriend. In the end, it comes down to the faith you have in yourself and your relationship--if it's meant to last, you two will endure the latest craze in relationship metamorphosis.