"HAPPY FALL BREAK!! I'LL MISS YOU SOOOOO MUCH!!"
Such sentiments were heard all over campus before fall break.THE SECOND GUNMAN would like to make it known that he did not miss anyone over fall break. It was a solid four days. Please. Anyone that missed someone can be qualified as an over-emotion-feeler. These are the same people that probably thought Jasen Liu's attempt at forming whole sentences in his "Engineers Unite" column last week was "cute." Jasen, your column had what we call the "George Bush effect" on Trinity-Pratt relations. Your existence is wasting valuable oxygen. My grandchildren will need that some day. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
THE SECOND GUNMAN would also like to inform readers that this will be a particularly bitter column seeing that my flight was canceled because Southwest "cannot find" the airplane. Do these things get misplaced frequently? An airline with no planes is like a kegger with no taps. Anybody else hear about "Corrs and Smoors?" Do planes with people on them ever get misplaced? What about plans for the student village? I'm pretty sure those got misplaced. Or maybe Moneta was just bulls---ing to begin with, so there never was a plan. Regardless, construction behind the BC was halted because L-Mo again met his monthly quota for screwups.
THE SECOND GUNMAN will now rant about airports, starting with the men's room. You line a bunch of guys up at the urinal and, all of a sudden, everyone's eyes are staring straight down, like this is the first time you ever took a whiz, or that something is drastically different and this one is more interesting then your other 7 trillion. Did your 8 iron all of a sudden become a 3 wood? The golf team guys ate that one up, I swear. Bad news guys, this urinal plays the same way as all the others, aim down a little and watch for splatterY'�you didn't need Tiger Woods for that one now did you? Which reminds me, anyone who decides to install a "trough" style receptacle should be shot.
Another favorite airport phenomenon of mine is the need for everyone to wear a cell phone headset. For a second I thought I may have wandered into a high security fast-food drive-thru operators' convention. What's the deal with these assholes? It's too much work to hold up three ounces of plastic? Four rings and you can't get it to your ear in time? All the sudden the guy next to you lights up and is jabbering away in another language.
The only thing that could possibly excite someone this much is a Delta flight that's on time. Meanwhile you're saying to yourself, "Don't look now, I hope he isn't really talking to me." While still annoying, this could be just the thing to prevent all conversation on the BC walkway. Just stare into the distance, take a deep breath and start jabbering.
Airport food prices are wet sand in my bathing suit. Do they ship that crap first-class? (Nice alliteration.) I paid two dollars for a bottle of Coke. In this respect, airports are like Canada. The minute you set foot in RDU/Canada/LAX, the dollar buys 60 cents worth of food and all you can think of is how much you want to leave such an awful place. Now that I think about it, the same thing applies when you get back to campus after fall break.
Also, how can there only be one available electric outlet for five gates? Was RDU designed before electricity? Along the same lines, was the WEL designed before there was water? Sure, the construction masters decided not to install any drinking fountains, but don't worry. If you need water fast, just start rearranging the towels on that upper shelf. I like how they just put warning stickers on the sprinkler heads, rather than fix them. That's what I love about Duke. The folks at housing are always willing to go the extra mile.
This is the part where I'm supposed to make fun of Burig, but I just don't have it in me right now.
That's all I have on airports. I will now wax poetic on my growing psychic powers. We flash back to the second week of September, when this very column read, "Additionally, only those students who purchased a Blue Zone pass will be allowed in the lots. This eliminates the threatening presence of 'non-drivers' and poor people. Remember, they made a conscious choice to not participate in the Blue Zone community." Obviously the administration has been taking our column seriously, as your DukeCard will no longer open the about-to-be-broken-a-hell-of-a lot-more gate arm. You all should hope and pray that my remaining predictions do not come true, as I spent my fall break in an orange jumpsuit, learning to read the stars with Dionne Warwick. Nevermind the circumstances under which we met. Without further ado, the forecasts:
Cancer: Your anonymous humor column will bomb, and the entire student body will know you've been slacking off. You had an entire fall break to write this, and it sucks.
Libra: Girls, as horrible as it may seem, Alpine will run out of FroYo and every salad establishment anywhere will close.
Pisces: Your sign is a fish. What a loser!
Gemini: You're gonna die twice.
O'Doyle Rules.
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