It's Not Easy Being Mean

Recess writers aren't known for mincing words, and the bad attitudes bubbling beneath the surface reveal just how many of us were beaten in kindergarten. Post-nerd and pissed off, we're the prime exemplars of undecaffeinated living. But nasty or not, the point remains: The pen is mightier than the sword.

David Walters, on The Shiners' album Bonnie Blue: "Be warned. Although the Shiners aren't your run-of-the-mill country group, their cowboy hats are firmly planted on their heads and their teeth are slowly falling out of them. They may very well be the next house band at Dollywood. So, if you don't plan to listen in your pick-up while your mullet blows in the wind, you may not be interested."

Cary Hughes, on N'Sync's movie On the Line: "Message to all teen girls: Joey Fatone is fat and and Lance Bass resembles a ferret."

Greg Bloom, on singer John Mayer: "John Mayer is Crayola. John Mayer is lettuce. John Mayer is the alluring brilliance of that cloudy sky desktop wallpaper on your computer. He's a soft-light camera lens, thickly coated with Vaseline."

Tim Perzyk, on Mariah Carey's film Glitter: "Like a cross-eyed ho in headlights, Carey stumbles through scene after scene wearing the same ridiculous expression--a self-effacing, half-surprised look of faux-coquettishness."

Martin Barna, on TV's Queer As Folk: "The show offers hordes of naked men simulating sex, gyrating at clubs and cruising street corners. Unfortunately the show does not offer a discernable plot--the writing is not worthy of the WB. For all its visual audacity, good television does not equal trite titillation; it's not just pecs and ass."

Alex Garinger, on The Glass House: "The Glass House is the type of film you wish the bigwigs at the Motion Picture Association of America could screen and decide not to release to the public before kicking its writer (Wesley Strick) and director (Daniel Sackheim) out of Hollywood forever."

Jacob Usner, on Kevin Costner's Dragonfly: "This movie is a shapeless blob: It oozes across the seats of the theater, engulfing innocent victims in its manipulative haze. There's no tone, no edge and the ending is neither surprising nor fulfilling. Although I have never had a true near-death experience, I recently suffered from a Dragonfly-induced coma--90 minutes of my life I wish I could have back."