Tamarack

Fresh mountain air. Woodland trails on the faces of steep gorges. Roaring whitewater rapids. A dozen varieties of poisonous snake. The unofficial moonshine capital of the world. I spent my spring break in Beckley, West Virginia.

Fellow Midwesterners know Beckley--it's a great place to pit stop off I-77 on the laborious drive to Duke. But have you ever considered venturing deeper into West Virginia? Into the heart and soul of Beckley? I did. And if I'm lucky, that trip to the heart and soul won't cost me a lung.

3:00 PM Saturday: No trip to Beckley is complete without a visit to Tamarack, the largest indoor homemade arts and crafts mall in America. Some refer to the place as "arts and crafts up the ass," but in all honesty, I saw some really cool trinkets, bought some nifty odd-jobbies with multiple do-hickeys and was angry that we had to get back on the road before I had time to look at the knick-knacks. Tamarack was full of smoke, and it was hard to breathe between mixing smells of carbon monoxide and lacquer.

9:00 PM Saturday: Finally found a place to eat that wasn't McDonald's-- an "Italian" restaurant. Not quite sure if the "pasta" will give me enough carbs to go hiking and rafting tomorrow. Everything tasted like cigarettes, except the sweet tea. 80 parts sugar to one part tea one cannot even be ruined by 3,000 toxins per puff. For our pleasure and for some kind of Kafka-esque sociological reason, there was no non-smoking section and all the diners sat at one long table. Jim Bob Lee offered to give us a "real tour" of the region.

9:00 AM Sunday: Awakened by smoke, thought hotel was on fire. Actually, it was just the culmination of dozens of locals lighting up the first smoke of the day. Jim Bob Lee's real tour last night involved sippin' Moonshine and watching sheep react when they were accidentally fed Moonshine. Fun, fun, fun! I think I'm going blind and I'm having trouble breathing. Let's go rafting!

10:00 AM Sunday: We arrive at the New River. My canoe is led by local guide and vixen Danielle. She has most of her natural teeth, but not too many. During our New River lunch break, we sneak out into the woods. My first experience with a mid-sex cigarette.

2:00 PM Sunday: While rafting down an explosive class two rapids (slightly more intense than a whirlpool on high bubbles) and simultaneously drinking and smoking, I feel as though I've really learned something during my trip about local customs. I can't place what it is, but I think I'll remember if I have another drink.

Best Place to Hook Up: Not on that rock in the woods. It still hurts.