Dear Diary

Thursday, March 7

For a minute it looked like I was totally screwed, and no, not by the cute soccer players I saw in the bar. I just got here on the French Riviera, and I realized that I don't speak a f**king word of their language (oops, pardon my French).

Fortunately, I soon discovered, all it takes is a bikini and a Bacardi to speak the universal language of hot guys. Seriously, as soon as you lay out on the beach, you could be getting laid. It's a good deal.

And speaking of good deals, let me tell all you bargain hunters out there that France is the place to be--do you know, you only need half a bikini here? It means that everything is, like, automatically half price! Since I'm saving so much money by going topless, I've decided that this year's tan lines will be totally designer: the bottom-half of the pink-and-plaid Burberry bikini ($35), the lavender-print thong from BCBG's new spring line ($22), and some boxy Roxy board shorts ($20) for when I'm feeling more modest.

I don't really remember last night, but I'm sure it was fabulous, since I woke up this morning to find both my Marc Jacobs bikini bottom and two guys named Marc and Jacob totally drenched in absinthe. Maybe we decided to play Moulin Rouge?

Finally, here's my latest discovery, useful when you're sick of all your clothes or don't have the Euros to get something new. Pop over to a convenient store and buy a permanent marker. Find some old bikini bottoms. Write "Wish You Were Here" across the front. Works every time.

Okay, I think my stomach isn't tanned to perfection, so it's time to get on my back again. More later!

The French Riviera

Spring Break Essentials: Handfuls of string bikini bottoms, and boy-cut shorts for when you want to cover up; beach towel that says J'Adore Dior, Lulu Guiness canvas tote, Italian condoms for extra durability, fake Prada sunglasses.

--Faran Krentcil