Cinematic CessPool

Based on the video game of the same name, Resident Evil explores a dynamic, futuristic world where a bio-tech and weaponry firm called the Umbrella Corporation... blah blah f--king blah, who am I kidding? It's a movie based on a f--king video game.

Directed by the same middle-schooler who gave us the first Mortal Kombat film, Resident Evil offers a lot of middling action sequences that seem like they were ripped out of the game. The plot has something to do with a chemical that turns people into zombies--but it's really not important what the plot is--just that the storyline produces zombies and Doberman-zombies, which hero Alice (Milla Jovovich) dispatches with impressive ass-kicking.

As if that weren't bad enough, the evil factory that our heroes are trapped in is also trying to destroy them. The factory uses lasers to toy with its prey--after teasing the heroes with a few predictable, avoidable lasers, it creates this grid-like laser that dices like a salad shooter. Why didn't it use that power beam the first time? The inefficiency of the enemy reflects the same quality in the film.

Showtime, on the other hand, may be the most efficient film out there--it successfully steals from about 10 different cop-buddy films and rolls them into one humorless attempt at spoof comedy. Tough cop Mitch (Robert De Niro) and silly cop Trey (wannabe actor Eddie Murphy) are the stars of a reality television series engineered by failing television executive Rene Russo. The television program works like a mixture of COPS and The Real World.

De Niro aside (he's in a role that could be played by anyone with a tough face), the film is largely a chance for Murphy to yuk up his work in 48 Hrs. and Beverly Hills Cop. The problem is, Murphy doesn't yuk--he struts his two previous cop characters, this time under a different character name. Note to Eddie: It's tired; we're tired. Your career has become a series of remakes.

Is there any remake that Hollywood doesn't find appealing? The original Time Machine was an impressive piece of camp science fiction crossed with morality play about the consequences of classism. Faithful to the book of the same name, the original was like a good episode of early Star Trek. This remake, directed by the great grandson of Time Machine author H.G. Wells, comes across like a cheap impostor. Any trace of that '60s campiness is gone, and instead we have a remake worthy of Eddie Murphy--a send-up that's not so sure what it's sending up.

Like last year's Planet of the Apes, this remake is largely a reimagining--especially when it comes to the way the future looks and the obstacles that Guy Pearce's Prof. Hartdegen must overcome. The Morlocks, the human-like hunters of the future come across like cartoons, possessing a ridiculous hunting prowess. The Elois, the meek upper class of the future--who act as the prey--are so hapless at avoiding the Morlocks that it's hard to understand the supposedly Darwinian explanation of how they have existed so long. Something this weak shouldn't make it past the end of the week, let alone to the year 802,701 ad.

All of these remakes--from video games, prior performances and classic films--create a frightening vision of things to come--imagine how bad entertainment will be in the year 802,701.