Mayer's Musical Sins

Coffeeshop wonderboy John Mayer is coming to the Cat's Cradle next Wednesday, and that really sweet girl down your hall is probably going to see him. Rolling Stone, in their hip-as-grandma "Artists to Watch List," described his sound as "folk, blues, rock and wisps of jazz." But that says just about nothing, doesn't it? So permit me to describe this hot ingenue for you in some more illuminating terms:

Take the blandest song off the Dave Matthews Band's last CD--got your weak melodies and limp raspy vocals, your breezily life-affirming, gently Muzaked production? Good, now put that GAP t-shirt through the wash 50 times.

John Mayer is Crayola. John Mayer is lettuce. John Mayer is the alluring brilliance of that cloudy sky desktop wallpaper on your computer. He's a soft-light camera lens, thickly coated with Vaseline.

This is Hall and Oates! This is Michael Bolton! This is Dave Matthews covering Pat McGee! Enough is enough! John Mayer: Jim Morrison, Sid Vicious and Kurt Cobain all died for your musical sins. Fie, fie, be gone from Winamp players and "Fall 2001 4Eva Mix!" CDs everywhere.