The Phantom Edit

If you thought that last movie you saw was crap, why don't you just make a better version yourself? Well, go on. No, really....

Earlier this year, an anonymous Star Wars fan who's in possession of some relatively high-end editing equipment and a criminally large amount of free time did just that. Apparently, some people out there thought that Episode I: The Phantom Menace was a few galaxies short of a star system--or maybe had just a couple Jars too many.

And so the new version, dubbed "The Phantom Edit" and traded via the Internet among the devoted fan community, cuts down considerably on lizard freak Jar Jar Binks and other areas of dubious excess--including the cumbersome expository dialogue, chase scenes that might have been cool but weren't and Anakin Skywalker's brattiness. Now that his role is more thoughtful and "Jedi-like," you may no longer want to smack the Force out of him.

The digital format of the source material makes such an undertaking considerably easy, and the final product--along with a few other re-edited "interpretations" that have since surfaced--looks surprisingly authentic and is about 20 minutes slimmer. Whoever was responsible did add some things, too, including a scene where Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan speak in Klingon, a detailed reference to an X-Files episode and a digitally-imposed gold bikini upon every shot of Princess Amidala.

The new version certainly goes down easier, but the bottom line is that no amount of lipo is going to suck out all the suckiness. Still, the digital age that Lucas has so eagerly helped to usher in appears capable of turning around to bite him, and the rest of Hollywood on their lazy, bloated asses. Imagine a world of film where the unrestrained excesses of egomaniacal directors and the epileptic mess of contemporary hyperediting can be kept in check and even improved upon by the fans themselves. Soundtracks can be replaced with good music. Apocalypse Now could be cut down to a 20-minute short about a chummy, lackadaisical boat crew in Vietnam. Kevin Costner can be removed from every movie he's ever been in! The possibilities are endless....